In much of the U.S. and in many other areas of the world, it’s winter –
the real, snow-piled-on-the-sides-of-the-road kind of winter. This is a
time when outdoor enthusiasts’ thoughts turn to winter sports.
When the outdoor enthusiasts also happen to be parents, the creativity
begins.
Since I love downhill skiing, I had my daughter on a harness and
munchkin skis when she was barely four years old. We went to the
least expensive resort in the area and paid a ½ day fee for me, which
allowed Amy to “ski” free (until she was six). The few times I bought
her a lesson, it was a private or semi-private, so she could get the
most concentrated learning for the buck. By age seven, she and I
could ski the easy blue runs together comfortably. By eight, she was
tackling some steeper hills. It will probably take another lesson or two
to get her on the bumps.
I know other parents who put their kids in group ski lessons from a
young age, season after season, and now that they are in the seven to
nine-year-old age range, they are speeding down varied terrain with
their parents.
Other parents who are cross country ski or snowshoe enthusiasts
purchase pull-along sleds when their children are young. Imagine the
snowbound equivalent of a bicycle trailer. They tow their kids behind
them on the trails. Eventually, the kids don’t want to be in the sled so
they learn how to track along with their parents.
Then there is another group of parents – a group which is interested in
involving their kids in winter sports, but hasn’t had the best of
experiences when they’ve tried it. I’d like to share a few downhill-
skiing-vacation travel tips, amassed from years of experience with first
my stepchildren and now my daughter.
Downhill Skiing Travel Tips
Passes: It’s a little late in the season now, but hey, you can always plan for next
year. When it comes to the expensive sport of downhill skiing, with a little planning
you almost never have to pay full price. This is a very important factor in downhill
skiing with kids because if you have paid less for your ticket, you’ll feel less pressure
to maximize the value of every minute. See Kid Days below.
You can buy season passes and four-passes to a variety of resorts if you can decide
where to ski by October. If you can’t plan that far in advance, type in “ski free” in
your search engine (sometimes you need to add the state you’ll be skiing in) and
several existing deals should come up. For example, in Colorado, if you fill your tank
with Phillips 66 gasoline, you can get one discounted ski pass or a buy-one-get-one
(BOGO) set of passes. Don’t forget to check local grocery stores, ski shops, and
chambers of commerce for possible discounts.
Kid days vs. adult days: If you want a full, hard day of skiing, this should be an
adult ski day (unless you know for a fact that your kids can run the slopes with you
this way.) Otherwise, remember that a kid ski day is a different animal, and that if
you’re going to enjoy it you need to be willing to go at their pace. And that attitude
must start first thing in the morning as they are putting on equipment. Also see Hot
Chocolate Breaks and Games below.
Properties: You can motivate your kids with other things they can see and do at the
resort at which you ski or at the property at which you stay. For example, my
daughter and I ski Copper Mountain partially because I get a pass there and partially
because they offer snow tubing. We can tuck into a café for a little après ski and
food, then go back out on the hill and do some tubing. Other resorts also offer ice
skating and sledding hills. Some hotels or condos have game rooms and swimming
pools. See next topic.
Swimming Pools: I can’t emphasize enough the value of a pool for most kids. I
have unashamedly bribed my daughter into one more run, or trying a slightly more
challenging run, by promising and following through on a good swim after skiing. In
the general radius of skiing areas, these pool sites also offer hot tubs. Need I entice
you more?
Hot chocolate breaks: Plan at least one of these into your kids’ ski day.
A little rest and warm liquid can give yield much better energy for the rest of the day.
Games: Even older children still enjoy going and playing in the kids’ terrain parks
available at most ski mountains. There are secluded routes through the trees with
little jumps to catch some air. If you are trying to teach your kids speed, pick a less
populated run and play a little chase. If you’re trying to teach technique, try follow-
the-leader and pick something specific to work on, like small s-turns, when you are
the leader.
I hope these tips help you plan an enjoyable skiing getaway. If you
come to the great state of Colorado to ski, see you on the slopes!
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: downhill skiing, kids, mountain vacations, ski lessons, ski passes, ski resorts, skiing with kids, Travel Tips, winter sports
Your turn: If your spouse passed away, would you be the primary
parent and guardian for your stepchildren? If not, would you remain a
part of their lives? What feelings come up for you in either situation?
While following other stepparenting blogs, especially those on my
blogroll (scroll down the middle column), I pick up thought-provoking
news and ideas. In early December I was shocked to find out that one
of my fellow stepmoms and bloggers lost her husband to a heart
attack. Her husband’s boys were living with them. Talk about your
world changing overnight! An immediate deep reaction of hurt and
despair ran through me when I read this post (and I do not know this
woman personally – only through the writing on her blog).
At the first level, I could feel for the loss of a spouse and life partner.
Then, because of my experience as a stepparent to children who have
already lost their mom to breast cancer, I worried about whether she
wanted to remain the primary parent and guardian to her stepchildren.
It didn’t even cross my mind that there could be
another outcome – that she would not be asked to keep her stepchildren.
I compared her situation to my own. My stepchildren are now 22 and
almost 21. But when I married Brian they were eight and six. I am
not a person to let worry obscure every waking thought, but I did from
time to time wonder how I would handle my stepchildren (emotionally)
if Brian passed away. I did a lot of praying and trusting that we would
all remain safe and healthy.
When the children were still young, Brian has asked me to adopt them
so that if something did happen to him, they wouldn’t become wards
of the state. The kids agreed to let me do this. So, early on, before
I’d really taken in the full import of stepparenting a grieving child, I
made a commitment to the kids which I would not have broken had
the situation occurred. Let me just say that I am very, very thankful
that we’ve made it this far as a complete stepfamily. Shepherding
the kids through another major loss in their lives may just have been
more than God thought I could handle.
Now Brittany and Ian are no longer minors. But I still pray that we all
remain healthy – one, in general, and two, because the abandonment
overtones from the loss of one parent would, I feel, be greatly
magnified by the loss of the second.
My fellow stepmom and blogger is now posting again, and has shared
her story. I find her a very, very brave woman who sincerely wanted
to keep and raise her stepchildren. However, they were taken away
from her by the ex-wife’s relatives. Her writing is beautiful, and if you
wish you can read that story here.
Then come back and reflect upon where you stand on these issues. I
encourage you to discuss this situation through with your spouse.
Does he/she have a living will that specifies who will be the guardian
of his or her children? What does your state law mandate about
guardianship?
There’s no better time than now to answer these questions in your
stepfamily. No one plans to have anything life-changing happen. This
story’s reminder is simply to be prepared.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: abandonment, crisis, custody, death, Grief, stepfamilies, Stepparenting
Holiday blogging schedule: Just a reminder that I will not be back on
my regular posting schedule until the week of January 12. This
coming Wednesday, January 7, I will post a meaningful question for
stepparents, so stay tuned.
I wondered this morning how many bloggers might be commenting on
New Year’s resolutions this week. I’ve never written about this topic,
so I thought I’d share a little history and put in my two cents. Some
of this is fun information to share with your kids if you haven’t already.
I think that New Year’s resolutions can be catalysts for change, but
they are certainly not mandatory. There is a natural sense of a “fresh
start” that comes with the new year. For many of us living in the U.S.,
the big holiday push is over. That clears time and energy to face what
could lie ahead.
I know that with a little extra rest after Christmas, I start to feel more
“brain space” and regain the ability to futurize. (This ability, by the
way, is completely lost in the several days before Christmas. My
conversational abilities at that point wouldn’t even impress a cow).
So where do New Year’s resolutions come from, anyway? This tradition
goes all the way back to 153 B.C. Janus, a mythical king of early Rome,
was placed at the head of the calendar.
With two faces, Janus could look back on past events and forward to
the future. Janus became the ancient symbol for resolutions and many
Romans looked for forgiveness from their enemies and also exchanged
gifts before the beginning of each year. I like the “cleansing of the slate” idea.
I think that New Year’s resolutions themselves are optional. Some years I’ve felt
very strongly about changes I want to make in my life (or the lives of
others). But other years seem to reflect more of a status quo phase in
my life, and no strong resolutions emerge.
This year seems more like a status quo year. I think I put several life
changes into motion during 2008 (starting this blog was one!), so the
turning of the calendar isn’t a particular milestone I need for a kick in
the pants…this year, anyway. If ANYTHING, I need to take some of
the new ventures and trim them back a bit so I’m not spread too thin!
Maybe that’s a resolution unto itself.
One more thought…I believe that it makes sense to ask our loved ones
if they see anything in our lives they think is worth changing for the
better. Sometimes our own perspectives are too narrow, and a little
input couldn’t hurt. It’s likely that we’ll be giving input to our children,
so why not have someone do that for us?
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in Northern
Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book, go to
www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: change, history, holidays, New Year's Resolutions, traditions
As Christmas Day draws to a sleepy close, I thought I’d share
something I did for my kids today. Since I’m a writer, I decided to
give them each a gift of words that describe something I admire about
each one. I rolled up each sheet of sentiments (four in all), rubber-
banded it tight, and popped it in a travel-size lotion bottle. The top of
each paper read: “Message in a Bottle.”
I asked them to save the bottles for the very last gift, because I didn’t
want them mixed up in the materialistic fray of boxes and bags.
A funny interlude — our oldest girl thought the paper said “Massage in
a Bottle” and was prepared to be really jazzed about that until I re-
directed her.
My only regret about this gift was that when they each said thank you,
I said “You’re welcome,” instead of “No, thank YOU” (for being you).
But then again you can only push this feeling kind of stuff so far with
young people.
I hope your Christmas included some celebration of the wonder of
each other, above and beyond the gifts you give and receive.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: Christmas, Communication, gifts, holidays
NOTE: HOLIDAY SCHEDULE
I will post twice per week from now until January 11.Happy Holidays!
What do you say when your daughter asks you the proverbial
question: Do you believe in Santa Claus?
Experience tells us there are many advantages to letting your child
come to her own conclusion. Some kids get extremely upset when
you reveal what you know. I’ve heard girls later say, “I wish you
hadn’t told me.”
My husband and I discussed this milestone a few nights ago. We
agreed to re-focus the question (if it should arise this year) to a
discussion of “the magic of Santa.” We would share with Amy, who
just turned nine, that we still believe in the magic. We’ll leave it up to
her to decide if a real person can travel the world, chimney to chimney,
in one night.
We also saw the exciting connection to faith lying within this issue.
Think of faith as a firm belief, especially one without logical proof.
With older girls you are or will be discussing other faith-based
questions. Do you believe in love? Do you believe in hope? Do you
believe in God? Isn’t believing in the magic of Santa an act of faith?
Your turn: Is your daughter asking about Santa, and what are you
telling her?
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: beliefs, Faith, myths, Santa Claus, traditions
This week, Mama J will be posting on Friday instead of Thursday.
Have a super day.
Mama J is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in Northern Colorado.
Wondering how to relate to your second set of in-laws? If all else
fails, keep the spotlight on their relationship with your stepchildren
(their grandchildren). That is the relationship that most needs to
flourish.
When I started obtaining endorsements for my book, Stepparenting
the Grieving Child, I picked up a lot of advice about what to include in
the book. One comment that caught me by surprise was, “Make sure
you offer suggestions about how to relate to the second set of in-laws.
I didn’t know what to do with mine.”
Let’s take a moment to explain these relationships. Bear with me!
This is more complex than a double shot, skinny, sugar-free latte.
You and your spouse each have parents, who are therefore your kids’
and stepkids’ grandparents and stepgrandparents. I know that not all
these relations may be alive or available, so let’s concentrate on those
still maintaining an active relationship with their grandchildren. Your
spouse’s parents are your in-laws. That’s set number one.
But your spouse’s ex-spouse also has parents. Thus there is a second
set of in-laws on (therefore more grandparents) who may have already
established a close relationship with your stepchildren. Whew!
Complicated.
What does this mean for you as a stepparent? If your spouse’s ex is
still alive (i.e. they divorced), he or she will probably maintain the lines
of communication with your second set of in-laws. But, if your
spouse’s ex has died, how will your inherited second set of in-laws
keep in touch with their grandchildren?
By keeping in touch with you and your spouse.
One of the stepfathers I interviewed for my book, Adam, developed a
very good relationship with his second set of in-laws. They are the
parents of his wife Lily’s former husband George. Lily and George
were divorced and negotiated the parenting of their three girls. Adam
and Lily married. Then, later, George died in a plane crash.
George’s parents had already made a tradition of coming into town
about two separate weeks each year to visit with their son and
granddaughters. Committed to a relationship with their
granddaughters, they weren’t about to stop visiting after George
passed away (progress step number one). Lily provided the bridge to
her continued and their growing relationship with Adam (progress step
number two). Adam was willing to step out of his comfort zone and
get to know them (progress step number three).
My own experience with the second set of in-laws is not as happy. Nor
is it terrible. It’s simply civil, and that’s all. My husband Brian’s former
wife, Cathy, died quite young from breast cancer. I already knew
Brian and appeared on the scene rather quickly (complication number
one). Cathy’s family members were in the throes of their grief and
weren’t in a position to receive me non-judgmentally (complication
number two). They and Brian didn’t have as strong a relationship as
Lily had with her in-laws (complication number three).
You can see how various factors can affect the relationship with the
second set of in-laws – the relationships themselves are as
complicated to form as they are to explain. As with any human
relationship on this earth, if both parties open their hearts to work with
each other, everyone will make some progress. Otherwise, you have
to do the best you can with what you’ve got.
Keep the spotlight on the grandparent/grandchild relationship. That’s
the relationship that most needs to flourish.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: divorce, Grief, in-laws, stepchildren, stepfamilies, Stepgrandparents, Stepparenting
In last Thursday’s post I asked for feedback about night fears and
received some really great comments, both on this blog and over my
e-mail. As comments came in, I was reminded of the importance of
vocabulary. The term “night fears” is so close to “night terrors” that I
thought it worth distinguishing between the two.
Night fears are concerns and worries imagined and expressed by the
child while she is awake. A child can become so caught up in a fear
that she either can’t fall asleep or wakes up worried or scared in the
early morning hours.
Night terrors, on the other hand, are defined as a medical condition.
They occur during a phase of deep non-REM sleep usually within an
hour after the child goes to bed. According to information at The
Night Terrors Resource Center, the common thought among
researchers is that a chemical trigger in the brain causes your brain to
“misfire” and stimulate a night terror. Some night terror symptoms
include: sudden awakening from sleep, screaming, sweating,
confusion, rapid heart rate, inability to explain what happened, usually
no recall of “bad dreams” or nightmares, and possibly a vague sense
of frightening images.
I’ve expanded a bit more on night terrors at the end of this post.
Regarding night fears, I know you can read Thursday’s comments for
yourself, but I’d simply like to highlight three pieces of advice I
wouldn’t want you to overlook.
1. Be a comforting presence at night. Some ways to accomplish this
include spending a little extra time with your child at tuck-in. If you
rush through, or brush off the fears as silly, you may well hear your
child’s feet padding into your bedroom in the middle of the night.
Reassure your child that everything is alright. Keep discussions on a
very matter-of-fact level as in-depth discussion of a fear could further
stimulate her. Remind your child that she will feel better in the
morning, at the break of a new day. (Similar to most adults, a child’s
coping skills diminish at night).
2. Watch your child’s nutrition before bedtime. Carbohydrate-rich
foods can have a calming effect on the body, while foods high in
protein or sugar generate alertness, particularly when eaten alone. A
few ideas for pre-bedtime snacks are: whole grain toast and cheese, or
a small bagel and nut butter.
3. Give your child gradual exposure to more independence. I
mentioned in Thursday’s post that my daughter would no longer go
upstairs without one of us parents alongside. A great suggestion
included having her go to the landing alone the first night. Then
advance to the top of the stairs alone. Then, spend a minute alone
upstairs, then five minutes, and then do the full bedtime routine
without company. You get the picture. We have already started this
process with our daughter, and it is working.
A final note to parents who might be dealing with night terrors, as
defined above. One parent, whose daughter’s night terror behavior
included sleep walking, commented how frightening it can be to watch
your daughter move around as if she’s awake, but knowing she is in a
deep sleep. This mom said there were times she felt helpless, but
what always seemed to work was to speak calmly and matter-of-factly
to the child, gently but firmly re-directing her to her bedroom.
Night fears and night terrors are usually phases; these too will
evaporate and morph into some other stage we’ll likely be discussing
right here at Mama J’s Parenting Posts.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: calming foods, Night fears, night terrors, Nightmares, nutrition, pre-bedtime rituals, sleep disorders
Today I simply have a question for you all. I’d love to hear from
parents who have experienced the return of night fears in the eight-
nine-ten-year old age group. I remember reading somewhere (I am
dredging my memory for the source and coming up with nothing) that
this is a common age for the return of night fears. This resurgence is
usually based on a child’s growing awareness that bad things do
happen in the real world (car accidents, kidnappings, murders,
robberies, etc.) The earlier night fears (age three-ish) were, in
general, based on fears of fantasy dangers; monsters and such.
While I understand the possible cause of the new night fears, my
constant reassurance doesn’t completely help them go away. My
daughter won’t even go upstairs at night without one of us
accompanying her.
Please share your experiences about processing night fears with your
children. If you are not able to post a comment on this blog, please
send me an e-mail at info@dianefromme.com and I will collect some
responses and do a “Night Fears, Part 2” post next week.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: bad dreams, Elementary School, fears, Nightmares
Life appears to be too short to be spent in nursing animosity or
registering wrong.
— Charlotte Bronte
I have been struggling with what I perceive as a phase in the
relationship with one of my stepchildren. I’ve been feeling rejected, as
if I’m not a person of any significance in this child’s life.
Then I read and was inspired by Ron Deal’s December newsletter from
the Successful Stepfamilies ministry. Deal, the founder of this ministry,
offers this positive and thoughtful viewpoint:
“I’m convinced that God uses the stepfamily experience to teach His
children about choosing love…God chose to love us even when we
didn’t love Him.”
The message came through loud and clear: Choose to love this person
even though I think she hasn’t been showing love to me. When a
negative thought starts to creep in, I combat it with the phrase
“choose to love.”
Family life in general is a spiritual training ground. Stepfamily life
offers something above and beyond the regular joys and trials of
family life. According to Deal, “…it offers parents and children alike the
unique opportunity to reflect God’s choice to love. When stepfamily
members choose to love, amazing things happen.” Click here to view
Deal’s entire article.
I’ve highlighted some of the ways stepfamily members choose to love:
- Stepparents choose to love children not their own
- Stepsiblings share with each other the honor of being called family
- Stepgrandparents give to stepgrandchildren as with their own
grandchildren
When your tendency this season leans toward focusing on the negative,
experiment with what can happen when you choose love. Thank your
spouse for the love he or she shows all of your children. Write
compliments to your stepchildren. Tell them you’re there when they
need you. Work with your spouse to encourage stepsiblings to show
kindness to one another and to communicate appreciation for one
another.
Your turn: If you have any stories about how choosing to love
changes the climate in your stepfamily, I’d love to hear them at
info@dianefromme.com
Have a loving and magical season.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: God's love, love, stepchildren, stepfamilies, stepparents