We talk a lot about stepparenting on this blog. However, successful stepparenting is integrally dependent upon the role the children’s parent (the partner you the stepparent live with) plays in the family. As a family rebuilds itself and creates a new identity, the parent remains the key link between past, present, and future.
I’ve researched, witnessed, and been told stories about three key ways a parent can strengthen the stepfamily and enhance the children’s self esteem. If you are a stepparent, try reading these to your spouse. Do they sound reasonable, plausible, sensible?
1. Be the central hub of the stepfamily.
You, the parent, are a bridge between your spouse and your children. You facilitate communication, direct traffic, ward off accidents, and manage any crises that occur. Jean McBride, Executive Director of the Colorado Center for Life Changes, says that the parent provides the equilibrium in the family, “like a stabilizer on an airplane.”
Over time, a stepparent who has worked on building some trust with the stepchildren can take turns sitting at stepfamily central. Having been a stepparent for fourteen years, I can say that our kids still look to their father for an overall sense of stability, but they are starting to recognize some of my strengths.
2. Be the main disciplinarian in your stepfamily.
Your kids can miss out on the chance to grow a trusting relationship with your spouse (the stepparent) if he or she is doling out the discipline. Adam (the stepparent) and Lily (the parent) embody a wonderful example of handling stepfamily discipline. Lily takes the lead. But Adam will step in to held mediate conflict, with the goal of making sure the girls respect their mother…NOT to make them listen to his rules.
Over time the parent can direct the children to follow the stepparent’s discipline in certain situations. For example, if Lily is going to be away for the weekend, she makes sure to tell the girls that Adam is in charge and they are to respect him.
3. Be physically available (present) and emotionally available (interested).
It comes down to this. Spend time with your kids. Make sure they know when to rely on you being around. Listen to what they have to say. Share your own feelings about family difficulties, as long as those feelings don’t betray your spouse (the stepparent).
I wouldn’t turn these roles over to the stepparent because, even as the kids start to need this attention from the stepparent too, their self esteem partially depends upon your blessings.
Granted, this is the ideal picture of the parent role after a divorce or after the death of the children’s other parent. Next Wednesday I’ll blog about what could be blocking a parent from maintaining this position in the family.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in Northern Colorado. For more information on her book, Stepparenting the Grieving Child, go to www.dianefromme.com
Tags: Discipline, fatherhood, kids' self esteem, motherhood, parent roles, stability, stepchildren, stepfamilies, Stepparenting, trust
My title reminds me of Dr. Seuss’s One Fish Two Fish. Despite my love for this author, alas today’s post is not going to be a fantastical poem! It does capture my musings about why a small swim club seems to be a better choice right now for my daughter.
I spent this past weekend at a two-day district swim meet for 8- to 12-year-olds. The high-point team awards for the meet were divided into two categories: general awards and awards for small clubs. I don’t have exact numbers handy, but small clubs are probably under 100 swimmers and big clubs are over.
In our town of Fort Collins, Colorado, two swim clubs vie for swimmers: FAST (a big club) and Vortex (a small club). I am on the board of the Vortex club. I chose the smaller swim club for my daughter because although swimming is her favorite activity, she still balances this with other interests.
There seems to be some misunderstanding about our small club by certain members of bigger clubs. We are not folding or going under just because we’re small! Also, for the size of our club, I have been told that percentage-wise we send more swimmers to State than other clubs. So we’re clearly available to meet the needs of the competitive swimmer.
But we’re also available to meet the needs of the swimmer who might not be interested in or able to compete at the top levels. Amy is friends on the team with one girl who is a dwarf, another who has Downs’s syndrome, and yet another who is legally blind. And, guess what – those girls all compete in various meets. I appreciate the diversity on the team and the opportunity for Amy to broaden her definition of success in the world.
I also feel that Amy’s been presented with an opportunity that she may not have been offered on a larger club with a greater number of swimmers. A few of the 9 – 10 girl swimmers made some State times, which allows them to bring other swimmers (whether or not they’ve qualified) along with them for the 9 – 10 State relays.
Though Amy didn’t qualify for State, she is the fourth fastest 9 – 10 girl freestyler on Vortex, so she will be swimming two State relays in early March. She knows this is an honor and she’s started working extra hard to train for these swims.
So, is bigger better? You tell me. Post your comments below, or e-mail me at info@dianefromme.com.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in Northern Colorado. For more information on her book, Stepparenting the Grieving Child, go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: activities, competition, success, swim clubs
A reader recognizes the importance of a young adult child’s role in the
household of a grieving family.
By the way, if you have a “stepparenting a grieving child” question or
comment, you can feed it to me one of three ways: comment on this
blog (click here to learn how), send me an e-mail at
info@dianefromme.com, or fill in a comment form on my website.
The reader whose comments I’m featuring today filled out a comment
form, which goes straight to me and only me, FYI.
This reader is a new stepparent in a grieving family. The kids are
older: 19, 20, and 21. They lost their mom ten years ago. Two
children still live at home, one of whom is a girl.
Two things about this reader struck me.
One: When she contacted me she was actively looking for resources,
and fast! I admire the presence of mind of someone who realizes she
is in a situation that could mushroom beyond her range of life
experiences. I have to say that I didn’t act this quickly when I, at 31,
became a stepmom to grieving children.
Two: In my e-mail dialogue with this reader, she mentioned that she
had already recognized that the girl still living at home was the lady of
the house, and that she wasn’t going to try to compete with that role.
Bravo to you, dear reader! You have just saved yourself a boatload of
additional tensions that could stem from the “Who is more important
to Dad?” challenge.
I’ve heard that the boundaries around stepfamily roles can be clearer
when your stepchildren are older from the start. Older children can,
without fear, be more direct and challenging about their positions in
the family.
I entered my stepfamily when my stepkids were six (a girl) and four (a
boy). Yet I do know that coming on strong as your husband’s special lady
misses the point. Today’s reader situation emphasizes the importance
of having a simple awareness of a girl’s feelings about daddy after
mom has passed away.
Thanks for reminding us about one of the family dynamics we
stepparents can honor instead of fight.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her book,
Stepparenting the Grieving Child, go to www.dianefromme.com
Tags: competition, daddy's girl, family roles, grieving family, lady of the house, stepfamilies, Stepparenting
One way to be involved with your kids is to become involved with an
activity they are passionate about. This doesn’t mean that you
actually do the activity with them (although you could). What I’m
talking about in this post is volunteering with an organization your
child is a part of.
This comment connects directly with a book discussion group I’ve been
part of at my church. We are working through a book called The
Blessing, by Gary Smalley and John Trent.
In short, the book says that we give young adults the best chance of
flying securely on their own if we bless them while they’re growing up.
Blessings come in many forms. Towards the end of the book, you’ll
find a list of blessings adult children recalled and appreciated. Two I
remember clearly are “attending all my games” (meets, recitals, shows,
etc.), and “being involved with my activities.”
I admit, I was somewhat reluctant to join the board of my daughter’s
swim team. How much time would it take, and how could I possibly
add another thing to my calendar?
I merged in slowly, simply attending a few board meetings to listen in.
I volunteered to help maintain the team bulletin boards at the
community pools. Then I realized how much I enjoyed the company of
these people working together to make our small team click. I
volunteered to be the board secretary, and now I’m also helping
update team records and co-organizing a swim meet. It’s all very
interesting work.
I asked Amy what she thought of my being on the board, and she
emphatically said “Awesome.” I asked her why, and she said (direct
quote) “Because you’re more involved with my swim team.”
Involvement. In my post on January 14
I mentioned the television drama “Everwood,” in which a now single dad is having
trouble relating to his 15-year-old son. One of the son’s bitter
resentments against dad is that when dad was a famous neurosurgeon
he missed all of his son’s milestone events such as being a lead in the
school play and sixth-grade graduation. Ouch.
I think dads need to hear that their involvement and interest counts
every bit as much as mom’s. Or, if you’re a working mom, take it to
heart that a little balance, where you make time to express an interest
in how your child is developing, could make the difference between a
blessing and unintentional indifference.
The love and commitment of one parent is great, but it doesn’t make
up for the seeming lack of commitment on the part of the other parent.
If you’re both available, your kids need blessings all around.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her book,
Stepparenting the Grieving Child, go to www.dianefromme.com
Tags: blessings, child development, Identity, involved parenting, kids' activities, parenting, self esteem, volunteering
One parent asked me to comment on how to help a teen fill the “what
will I do for fun” void she perceives when trying to move away from
drugs and alcohol as a means of escape.
This is a tough one, but you have a jump start if your daughter is
showing some willingness to change. If she’s resistant, see Monday’s post on tough love.
Your daughter will be influenced by the company she keeps, so one of
the first steps is to pad her company with positive influences and
mentors (hey, that could include you!). Help her seek out either old or
new peer groups as well (old means some of the kids she was close
with before making a hard left into experimentation).
If your daughter feels fulfilled by being active, or if you know that’s
what she needs, suggest these options:
- Take weekend hikes or moonlight hikes
- Lift weights
- Try a dance class – swing dance had become popular with teens
- Run or jog
- Ride her bike to school, work, or errands
- Take up mountain or trail biking
- Take up karate, judo, or similar sport
- Return to a sport she dropped
Here are some ideas for a more spiritual or social connection:
- Join a church youth group (research which one)
- Take up a new hobby with family or friends – even something like
cooking, which can be done at home - Call a mentor (who could also be a friend)
- Volunteer! Many cities have a volunteer organization that pulls kids
together for this purpose. - Write in a journal
- Write for publication
- Pick someone with whom to follow a TV series and discuss it
- Join a mother/daughter book group, or a peer book group
- Do jigsaw puzzles
- Play chess – even against the computer (same for solitaire)
- Tutor kids in one of her best subjects
Helping your daughter work through this transition in her life may not
be easy, but you can be sure it’s in her best interest.
Your turn: How have you helped a teen stay sober?
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her book,
Stepparenting the Grieving Child, go to www.dianefromme.com
Tags: drugs and alcohol, parent resources, recovery, substance abuse, teen activities, Teens
If you are a stepfamily member, you might really appreciate the
opportunity I’ll point you toward today. One of my colleagues, Jacque
Fletcher, and another stepmother, Erin Erickson, have created The
Stepfamily Letter Project. This is a blog where any stepfamily
member can anonymously write a letter to another stepfamily member.
The letter can be heartfelt, joyful, angry, sad, or any other
combination of emotions you can think of. The beauty of this site is
that you can express yourself without being identified, if addressing
a family member directly is too vulnerable or risky at this time.
The link below takes you to the submission guidelines for the project.
I feel this is the most direct way to learn what the site is all about.
http://stepfamilyletterproject.wordpress.com/submission-guidelines/
I recommend that you also look at “About the Stepfamily Letter
Project,” which gives you a history of the concept, and then at the
“Comment Guidelines” when you feel motivated to submit.
The site was launched just this month and already you’ll find several
pages of letters to and from stepmothers, stepdaughters, bio moms,
husbands, etc. As a writer myself, I truly believe in the power of
writing to release the depth of emotions we all have about
stepparenting and living in a stepfamily. Sample the letters, and pass
on the site to your stepfamily members and to other stepfamilies you
know.
I mentioned to Jacque that I was going through a situation in the fall
about which I would have written a letter. I don’t need to invest any
more energy in that situation, but I’m sure the urge to contribute will
again spring forth.
Could this opportunity make a difference in your new year?
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her book, Stepparenting the
Grieving Child, go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: anger, challenges, creative expression, emotion, joy, sadness, stepfamilies, stepmothering, Stepparenting, writing
Given that many of you will be drawn to the presidential inauguration
on Tuesday, I’m posting today and I’ll leave it up until Wednesday’s
post.
You’ve all probably heard of tough love before, but what does it mean?
Does it mean yelling at our kids? Does it mean pulling the no-flex
authority trip, or copping the “I brought you into this world, I can take
you out” attitude?
Well, no, none of those strategies would be considered healthy
parenting for kids or teens.
An approach that can work effectively AND make the discipline easier
for you as a parent is this one: Be hard on the problem and soft on
the person.
A similar concept to this is separating a child’s behavior from the child
herself. Does anyone recognize the statement below? “I still love
you…I just don’t like this behavior, and we need to do something
about it.” Or this statement, one that Amy, now nine, will say to her
stuffed animals or dolls: “Just because I’m angry with you doesn’t
mean I don’t love you.”
In other words, don’t let your tween or teen daughter off the hook for
blowing curfew, ditching a day of school, smoking pot, or cracking up
your bumper. However, don’t make her feel like she is the worst
person in the world for doing it.
My husband modeled this style of tough love well when he found out
how much alcohol our oldest (my stepdaughter) was drinking in late
high school. Kindly but without any options, he whisked her off to an
awareness and recovery program, followed by family counseling. (Hard
on the problem.) He explained how alcoholism ran down both sides of
her family, so her behavior could not be taken lightly. (It turns out
that addiction was not her issue, but he didn’t yet know.) All of his
actions were underscored by the message, “I care about you.” (Soft on
the person.)
Change trap phrases like “What’s wrong with you?” and “You’re trying
to make my life miserable!” to “Tell me what’s going on with you” or
“This is not like you – can you help me understand why this
happened?” or “I know you didn’t mean to upset me.”
AND “we’re going to have a consequence for this.” (Don’t forget that
part, which is what keeps the follow-through “hard on the problem.”)
Yes, some kids will manipulate: “If you love me, can’t we make this a
warning?” and the proverbial “I promise I won’t do it again.” Well,
that’s something you’ll be thinking about while you work some extra
hours to pay for this bumper, my dear!
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: Communication, consequences, Discipline, Famlies, manipulation, Teens, Tough love, Tweens
No, you’re not in a movie theater. This post is simply an introduction
to several connected themes I have whirring through my head.
I had lunch with a friend yesterday and she talked about how she’s
organized her five- and seven-year-old to make their school lunches,
help prepare dinner, and set the table. The two kids alternate nights
for being “on duty” with mom in the kitchen.
I expressed my admiration and immediately felt a pang of guilt that I
haven’t been more structured about regularly involving my already
nine-year-old in these home activities. I know that contributing to the
home is supposed to make kids feel proud (that’s the first theme).
Amy packs her school snacks, but I still do the lunches (what kind of
lunch would she choose, I wonder?) She helps us clean when we ask
her, but she is certainly not on a regular schedule of contributing.
Did I also mention that she is my very busy, “I want to do everything”
nine-year-old? This leads me to my next theme: kids’ activities. For
years, I’ve been wondering, how much activity is too much? When we
get home from the day’s activities, she needs to dive right into
homework or piano practice, or she’ll be up past ten o’clock. So she
therefore doesn’t participate in dinner preparation or household chores
during school weekdays.
She still manages to get all her homework done, but doesn’t have
much creative think time about the topics beyond what’s assigned.
She seems to be getting enough sleep, most of the time. She enjoys
every single activity she’s doing, and can’t seem to identify which
one(s) to drop or minimize. All of them are healthy and/or
educational: swim team, piano, church choir, 4H, dance, Odyssey of
the Mind.
One cut on this is that I am raising a well-rounded child, who is not
just focused on academics. But then I think about other cultures I’ve
been exposed to through my student exchange work, such as the
South Koreans. I know that those children go to school all day long,
take a dinner break and then return to school at night for focused
study in art, another language (usually English), and music (rarely
time for sports). I know that the Indian culture doesn’t encourage
their high-school students to participate in a lot of sports, as it takes
them away from their academics.
Theme number three: can any cultural approach craft a fine global
citizen? Overall, I think the answer is yes…so why am I not feeling
more peaceful about my daughter’s lifestyle? Is it because it only
works with vigilant hyper-management on my part?
Your turn: If you have any input on any of these themes, I would love to hear it.
I’ll be expanding on each of them in future posts.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: Cultural Differences, kid's schedules, kids' activities, Kids' chores, kids' self esteem, Social/Cultural
I’ve been watching the DVDs of the former TV series, “Everwood.” I
became interested in this show too late to watch it live on the WB, but
once I learned it revolved around a single dad raising kids after his
wife and their mother dies, I figured I could learn something from it.
(Plus it’s just really fun to tell people that I’m watching a TV series for
research.)
The episode I watched yesterday had two shining examples of what I
believe is a very important factor in building stepfamily (or any family) relationships:
Being authentic and honest. Take it from me, who learned this slowly
– it’s much better to show your stepfamily members who you really
are in small doses than to flood them with who you think you’re
supposed to be.
In the series, Andy Brown is a former, famous, New York City
neurosurgeon who moves his family to small Everwood, Colorado after
his wife’s death. He becomes a general practitioner in Everwood
(competing with the established family doctor), and offers his services
for free.
Andy is slogging through a challenging relationship with his fifteen-
year-old son Ephraim, while he is generally forgiven and overtly loved
by his younger daughter Delia.
In this episode, Andy’s admin assistant, Edna, who is the mother of
the other doctor (that’s a whole separate post :-), is illogically distraught
when she finds out that a town landmark called the Kissing Bridge is
aging beyond repair and will be destroyed by the town. Her husband
(she is remarried after her first husband’s death) notices her pain and
tries to console her, but she remains extremely grouchy.
When she bites off the head of one of the practice’s patients, Dr. Andy
Brown confronts her (in that nice way that he has) and gently gives
her permission to explain what’s wrong. She spills the beans: Her
first husband and she shared their first kiss on that bridge, and he
proposed to her there as well. She thought she was “over” her first
husband’s death, but the impending destruction of the bridge brought
up what we would call “regrief:” a new cycle of grieving that comes on
without warning, often triggered by a life event.
Edna proceeds to tell her husband why she’d been feeling so bad.
But she takes her newfound honesty one step better: she gets her
son (the established doctor in town) and brings him through the woods
within sight of the Kissing Bridge. As they stare at it together, she
tells her story, which he’s never heard before, and adds the detail that
once she knew she was pregnant with him, she took her husband to
the Kissing Bridge to share the news. She tells her son that even
though she remarried, the Kissing Bridge reminds her that her feelings
for his dad are long from forgotten.
Then, in a classic scene, she reaches for a small detonating device
she’d placed in the trees, and blows up the bridge herself. Her son
yells, “WHAT are you doing?” And she says, “Grieving.”
I LOVE this. Lessons for stepfamilies? One, sharing your heart will
almost always advance even a difficult relationship…even if the other
person doesn’t show it right away. Author Stephen Covey calls this
making deposits in the emotional bank account. Over time, the
deposits will grow into something significant. Two, be sensitive to the
many ways and times your family members will grieve and regrieve
their losses. This is not easy, and believe me, I know. But your
patience, compassion, or simply space can be one of the biggest gifts
you give your stepfamily members.
The same lessons are reinforced through a different scene in the same
episode. An STD epidemic has hit the high school in Everwood, and Dr.
Brown would like to help prevent further occurrences by helping
educate the young population on safe sex. He and the other doctor
team up to speak at a school assembly. His son Ephraim is mortified,
and doesn’t even attend school that day. In fact, he leaves Everwood
and accompanies his friend Amy on a mission in Denver that’s
important to her. They miss the last bus home and then have to be
rescued by their parents.
Ephraim comes into the den the next evening to tell his dad he’s sorry
he made him worry. Andy delivers his consequences, and then
explains why it was so important to him to give the public assembly at
school. Andy had actually been part of the treatment of one of the
early cases of teenage death from AIDS in New York City, even before
the disease had a name.
Ephraim asks, “Why didn’t you tell me this before?” and Andy replies
with one of the most real statements I’ve heard from a TV character in
an evening drama: “I have no idea how to get your attention….Every
day, you either hate me a lot, still hate me, or just hate me.” His
point was, he didn’t have a lot of openings by which to talk about
deeper issues with his son. By the end of the conversation, Andy asks
Ephraim to tell him when he is doing the right thing as a dad, so he’ll
learn more about his son. Ephraim agrees.
Maybe we’ll reveal our hearts and not even get this much yield from a
teenage child or stepchild. But watching these interactions, however
dramatized, reminds me that every little step toward authenticity
counts.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: "Everwood", authenticity, being yourself, Communication, death, grieving famlies, honesty, regrief, stepfamilies, trust