You might think that this post relates to the stepparent being new in the family. Instead, I thought I’d focus today on the new kid you and your spouse might bring into town: your baby. While your stepfamily may arrive at some household decisions together as a family, having a baby is an adult decision.
My heart goes out to those of you struggling with whether or not to have a baby. Only you and your spouse can make that decision. If you believe in the power of prayer, you know peace will come from praying for guidance toward a decision. Sometimes one of you wants to move ahead and the other doesn’t. My husband and I got through that phase by breaking down what was behind our fears and realizing that none of those concerns were life-threatening. Then he gave me the gift of fulfilling my wishes. Other than the temporary frustration that comes with some sleepless nights, he has never regretted the decision that became our little girl.
Another important question is, will your children and stepchildren be on board for this family expansion? A new baby is certain to cause some kind of a shift in stepfamily dynamics. How can you make this a positive shift?
The most authentic response is to be realistic and yet promote the benefits of widening your circle of love. Yes, there will be changes in the family, and yes, we’ll experience some hard moments with a new baby in the home. But we’ll also see a new side of life and experience a lot of joy. The baby can be a family project for all who want to participate.
My stepchildren jumped in and out with the baby project. Our boy could sit on the floor and play the Elmo toy with the eight-month-old for an hour, or watch her Baby Einstein videos with her. But once she started to say “no” and talk back, he was “outta’ there.” Our girl didn’t much like the infant phase, but interacted more and more during the toddler and preschool years.
It is especially important for the parent to tell his or her children that there is plenty of love to go around in the family, even with one additional member. More important is that the parent demonstrates his or her promise by still spending time with each and every child.
There’s no doubt that the new addition will deepen the parenting skills and perspectives you and your spouse bring to your entire stepfamily. In fact, a new baby will challenge a stepparent to think, again or for the first time, about the different kinds of love that are possible in a family. Having a baby may help a stepparent clarify how to play a more realistic role with his or her stepchildren.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in Northern Colorado. For more information on her book, Stepparenting the Grieving Child, go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: big decisions, new baby, stepfamilies, Stepparenting
For both new and existing subscribers, I thought you’d want to know more about this blog as it evolves.
I am a writer, parent, and stepparent who constantly ponders family issues and dynamics. Raising kids is one of life’s greatest joys and challenges. If you are among those who wish you could consult the parenting manual for more instructions, this blog at least presents thoughtful discussions of many issues in common that we parents face.
Although I tend to focus on raising daughters, many of my posts will make sense to you if you’re raising sons. In my list of other blogs to visit, in the middle column of the home page under the word Blogroll, you can click on a few websites specifically targeted at raising boys.
If you are a stepparent, you can sample my regular Wednesday posts on stepparenting issues. I’m writing a guidebook for stepparents living with children who’ve lost a parent or parents, and most of the topics reach out to this group. Readers have also found many of the posts to be relevant even if they have married after divorce or have adopted a child.
You can search past posts several ways:
- By recent title: In the upper right corner of the home page, you’ll find a list of recent posts by title, e.g. Sick Kids!
- By topic area: Underneath the titles is a long list of topic areas to search. I try to rotate my posts to hit each topic area more than once. I cover subjects we think about as parents of preschoolers all the way through college students.
- By date: Sometimes in one post I will refer to another post and give you the date (see an example of this below!) Find the calendar in the middle column of the page, and then click on the date for that post.
For reasons I can’t seem to unravel, many readers have technical trouble filing a comment at the end of a post. I did run a How to Post a Comment piece on November 18, 2008, if that helps. But please know that you can always e-mail your comment to me at info@dianefromme.com.
Happy reading!
For more information about Diane (Mama J) and her book, Stepparenting the Grieving Child, visit her website at www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: College, Elementary School, parenting, preschoolers, raising kids, Stepparenting, Teens, Tweens
Here’s one of those little conundrums on which I would love to hear your opinions. Please take a minute to reply!
When your young adult children or stepchildren take up another residence, do they keep your house keys or return them?
Also and perhaps more importantly, can they enter your house whenever they want, to do laundry, get mail, visit, grab some food?
I have two young adult stepchildren living in the same town. The mother in me says, “Of course they keep the keys. To take the keys away is like saying they’re no longer a part of the family.”
A dad I was in dialogue with recently disagreed. (And no, this is not my husband disguised as a random dad.) He said, “Once they’re out, you take the keys and if they want to visit, they have to call first. Or, they can try to stop by, but you may not be home. I have my life and they don’t get free access to it.” I was glad to hear this from a dad regarding his daughter, and not from the stepmom of that girl. I think if that edict was coming from a stepparent, co-owner of the house or not, it could be the equivalent of step-relationship war.
Our family defaults to the former situation. Both my stepchildren have house keys, and they come whenever it suits them. Which, in all truth, is not very often anymore (they are now 22 and 21). But there was a time when three drop-ins per week was not uncommon.
I raised this question for discussion several times with my husband. I didn’t necessarily want a change — it’s a tricky balance and I’m sensitive to sending any messages which could be interpreted as abandonment — and yet, I felt that maybe we should be setting some boundaries about calling first. My husband always said, “That’s a good question.” Neither of us ever came up with a different answer.
What do you think? You can click comments below and write in the box so all readers can benefit from your input. Or you can e-mail me at info@dianefromme.com.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent making sense of family and stepfamily issues from her Northern Colorado home and office. For more information on her book, Stepparenting the Grieving Child, check out her website at www.dianefromme.com.
Sometimes when I need a new perspective, jokes like these make me look at the world a different way. I hope they give you the same shift. Enjoy your day!
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
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Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
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Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
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Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
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Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
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Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
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Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
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Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
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Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen).
A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
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Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
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Q: What does “varicose” mean?
A: Nearby.
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Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section”
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
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Q: What does the word “benign” mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Good Advice From Kids
“Never trust a dog to watch your food.”
-Patrick, age 10
“When your dad is mad and asks you, ‘Do I look stupid?’ Don’t answer.”
-Hannah, age 9
Never tell your Mom her diet’s not working.”
-Michael, age 14
“Stay away from prunes.”
-Randy, age 9
“Don’t pull Dad’s finger when he tells you to.”
-Emily, age 10
“When your Mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.”
-Taylia, age 11
“Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.”
-Traci, age 14
“A puppy always has bad breath–even after eating a Tic-Tac.”
– Andrew, age 9
“Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.”
– Kyoyo, age 11
“You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.”
-Amir, age 9
“Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.”
-Kellie, age 11
“If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.”
-Naomi, age 15
“Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.”
-Lauren, age 9
“Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat.”
-Joel, age 10
“When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she’s on the phone.”
-Alyesha, age 13
“Never try to baptize a cat.”
-Eileen, age 8
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent who needs more humor flowing into her Northern Colorado home and office. For more information on her book, Stepparenting the Grieving Child, go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: Family humor, funny kids, good advice from kids, jokes
Today’s post is my quick reflection on the process we parents have to go through when our kids are too sick to go to school (that is, if they are not homeschooled.) Households in which both parents report to a place of work have the biggest challenge: Who will take time off to stay home with your child?
My husband and I are self-employed so the logistics are a little easier. But that doesn’t account for getting past the emotions of “oh my goodness, how will I get anything done?” At the same time, you don’t want to push those emotions onto your child; for crying out loud, they don’t feel good!
I think the biggest theme for me when my child gets sick is “let go.” Nothing I can do will change the circumstances, so it’s useless to get wrapped up in any desperate feelings.
The next thing I think is: “prioritize.” What absolutely HAS to be done today? In my line of writing work, usually that list is small (except when I have pushed out work until the last possible minute before the deadline, which, in my quest for a lower-stress life, I try not to do anymore).
Lastly, if I really believe the world is going to come to a screeching halt without my contribution, I ask for help. Can I swing a trade with another parent who either stays home or works from home? Can I hire a sitter after school hours and get my work done from 4 til 8 p.m.? I know this depends on what your child has and whether they are contagious. If no one can come in to the house, there is always the “put on a movie” option.
When my daughter gets sick (as she has been for two days), I know it’s her little body’s way of asking for a reprieve to fight off the bad germs or infections. I actually look forward to taking SOME down time to be with her, read aloud to her, or work on a project we never get time for in the daily rush of life.
Mama J is a writer, stepparent, and parent of a girl currently fighting one of the winter viruses. Check out her Stepparenting the Grieving Child website at www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: family time, home from school, illness, virus
This is the third in a Wednesday post series about the role of the parent in stepfamilies. Stepfamilies might feel more cohesive if the parent is able to:
- Be the central hub of the stepfamily.
- Be the main disciplinarian in the stepfamily.
- Be physically available (present).
- Be emotionally available (interested).
Today we’re looking at how grief and loss can block one’s ability to carry forth the above behaviors. Most of this post is targeted toward situations where one parent has died.
I am going to have to split this topic down gender lines. Boys and men in our society are often chided by other boys and men even if they cry. So for a man to let himself experience the full range of emotions around grief is a rare thing.
Jean McBride, Executive Director of the Colorado Center for Life Changes, says, “Sometimes the dad isn’t very good at helping the family grieve and he just wants to move on and replace.” But what we know about grief is that it’s a lifelong process and thus it will continue to come out whether we allow it or not. So even though a high percentage of widowed or divorced men remarry within a few years, their grief will still go along for the remarried ride in some way, shape, or form.
Women, especially those with children, are less likely to remarry as quickly, but about half of widowers or divorcees eventually do. With either gender, stockpiled feelings of grief can prevent parents from connecting emotionally with their children. Sometimes the children are viewed as reminders of the loss, which is an unfortunate misplacement of emotions that could leave the children wondering if the state of the family is their fault.
Or, grief can enable parents to overcompensate out of feelings of sorrow or guilt. For example, a parent might shower their child with material things. “Poor dear – she lost her mom. This would be a good time to buy her that pony.” Or, some parents let boundaries slide. “Awww, don’t be so tough on him for staying out too late – his dad only died a year ago.”
What can you, the stepparent do? Similar to last week’s discussion, you could choose to coach your partners – this time through grief. Encourage your spouses to talk about and talk through their losses, to let themselves experience the feelings as they arrive. You probably don’t want to take on that initiative all by yourself, so you can also support your spouses to engage in either a self-study or a group study about grief and loss. Finally, you can help them connect with a pastor or counselor.
If nothing else, please don’t underestimate the ripple effect of either pushing grief way down inside, or pushing it off to the future. Grief has a way of seeping through our insides out into real life in the most unexpected ways.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in Northern Colorado. For more information on her book, Stepparenting the Grieving Child, go to www.dianefromme.com
Tags: death, fathers, Grief, Relationships, stepchildren, stepfamilies, stepfamily development, Stepparenting
Since this is the time of year when winter gets really long in some places, I thought a post on how to have winter fun with our daughters makes sense. Why nine ideas? Because you get to fill out number 10!
- Take turns reading a book out loud together. One of the moms I know at elementary school encouraged her daughter to read out loud early by saying “Oh, I’m so tired. I can’t read tonight. Would you read to me?” Another mom I know has a nineteen-year-old daughter living at home, and they still read out loud to each other. I think that’s precious.
- Play outside. If you live in a snowy climate, go sledding! How can you not have fun while you’re sledding? Absolutely plan for hot chocolate afterwards. If you live in a temperate climate, your outdoor options are wide open. Maybe teach your daughter skills for a new sport, such as volleyball or softball.
- Cook something together. Comb the recipe books and find something you will both love to eat when it’s done. Or, if you’re adventurous, watch the travel channel and try to make something from the Bizarre Foods show.
- Find an indoor mini-golf. Our local mall has glow golf, where you play in the dark. If you can’t find indoor golf, try bowling at a time of day when your lanes don’t smell like smoke and beer.
- Learn a new card game. You can find a deck of cards for a few dollars. Search for card games online if you don’t have a book of card games (or even if you do!) You can also play board games, but buying a new board game can be expensive.
- Play or do something your daughter chooses, even if it’s only for 30 minutes. Sometimes you can combine this with a trade, where you ask her for some time back to do your thing, but occasionally just give this choice to her as your gift.
- Schedule a special movie night. Really research the movies – try to find something relevant to your lives or just the funniest movie you can dream up.
- Start a savings plan for a special trip you want to take. Search the internet for a dream vacation, and then brainstorm ways you can cut your budget or divert money from one activity to a savings plan so that your dream can become a reality.
- Teach your daughter a life skill she’s ready to learn. For a young child, maybe it’s memorizing a few key phone numbers. For a near-tween, what to do in case of several different types of emergencies. For an older child, have her show you how she is ready to stay home alone, babysit, cook by herself, etc. Act things out when possible. Involve the entire family. Have fun!
- Your idea for winter fun with your daughter is:
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Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in Northern Colorado, which is sometimes snowy and sometimes temperate. For more information on her book, Stepparenting the Grieving Child, go to www.dianefromme.com
Tags: activities with children, cooking, families, games, life skills, movie night, reading out loud, sledding, vacations, winter fun
OK, where were we on this topic of the role your spouse or partner plays in your stepfamily?
Last Wednesday, I described what, after lots of reading and experience, I believe is the most helpful (productive, healthy) role for the parent left in the home in which you, the stepparent, are also living. We summarized that the parent should:
- Be the central hub of the stepfamily.
- Be the main disciplinarian in the stepfamily.
- Be physically available (present).
- Be emotionally available (interested).
Of course, this is an ideal role; something to strive for.
A more realistic discussion revolves around what could be blocking the parent from “living up” to this role, and should you do anything about it?
Both of the role blockers I’m going to mention I feel I have down cold because I’ve lived through this situation. The first is personality style, and the second is grief. I’m going to ask you to bear with me – in order to keep these posts blog-length, I’ll address personality today, and grief next Wednesday (thus, a three-part series).
My husband’s first wife died when their kids were six and four. He and I got married when the children were eight and six, so there was still a lot of room for growth in the family. My husband wasn’t then, and still doesn’t consider himself to be now, the parenting expert. He also happens to prefer harmony to confrontation, and laissez faire to boundaries. It’s just his style.
I like the harmony part, but I definitely prefer structure and closure to open-ended evolution. (As I’m writing this, it occurs to me that we are shaping out like the couple in Yours, Mine, and Ours, but in reverse! Fortunately neither of us acts to those extremes). And, I’m a very firm believer that kids not only need but also want boundaries. (Side note: Check out this useful book on boundaries).
So instead of stepping aside for a while, which would have been the healthiest thing for the stepparent to do, I took the helm I felt was not being manned (meaning, in the way I would do it). And, to be honest with you, I didn’t really back off until the kids’ teen years.
With regard to personality style, other stepparents might voice complaints that their spouses are too passive, too quiet, too busy, too distant, too stubborn (etc.) to meet the above-mentioned criteria.
Here’s the lesson: When your spouse’s personality style isn’t conducive to striving for the steadfast parent’s role, I think you have a few choices. First is to see how it goes without you running interference. Give your spouse a chance. There isn’t only one way to raise children.
Most importantly – and trust me on this – the kids really, really want their own parent to take the lead. The stepparent does not get hero or heroine points from the kids for stepping in. In fact, a stepparent’s commandeering approach can alter possible good that can grow out of a stepparent/stepchild relationship.
If there are significant kid-related consequences occurring and the parent’s style isn’t covering the bases or improving matters around the home, then another good choice is to either coach your spouse from the sidelines (in private, please, not in front of the kids) or help your spouse find coaching from a mentor or counseling professional.
Notice that I’m still not offering taking the lead as an option. For the sake of the kids, the ongoing goal is to let the parent be primary. Over time (do you notice I say that phrase a lot?) you can merge into the limelight to offer your strengths. Still, be willing to step back when it’s clear that the kids want mom or dad.
Do you agree? Disagree? I’d love to hear from you. Post a comment below or e-mail me at info@dianefromme.com.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and (formerly pushy) stepparent located in Northern Colorado. For more information on her book, Stepparenting the Grieving Child, go to www.dianefromme.com
Tags: coaching, letting go, parent roles, personality styles, stepfamilies, stepparent roles, Stepparenting
“A lot of how kids find themselves by exclusion, as in ‘I know what I’m not.’”
— Brian M., Psychologist
I’ve read several articles in the last year or so that indicate young adults are “taking
longer” to find themselves and figure out what they want to do for work.
And parents are kind of worried about this trend. Fading are the days when you chose
a career that you started right out of college and stuck with for twenty or more years.
Perhaps this model still suits some young people, possibly fitting better with certain
personality styles.
Other young people are feeling pressure and disillusionment. In high school the rub
seems to be all about getting into a good college. In college, graduation usually means
“welcome to the world of responsibility.” Is it any wonder that most young adults are
thinking, “Is this all there is?”
An audio program I heard the other day actually drew a frightening connection from
young adult disillusionment with expectations and responsibility to America’s unusually
high rate of young adult suicide. In another example of handling the pain of pressure,
an article from the May 21, 2007 Stanford Report relates the story of a girl with a
chatty demeanor, healthy physique and long sleeves hiding the word “empty” that she
had carved into her wrist. Now tell me – is all that drive to achieve
worth these risks?
I’ll be blogging more about this topic in the future, but for today,
two ideas come to mind.
Encourage young adults to pursue at least one thing that they really love; that they
really feel passionate about. They may need help identifying what this is. Don’t let life
be all about the path of “shoulds.”
Encourage living in the present more than living in the future. We have today.
We are not in complete control. Everything could change in a day.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her book,
Stepparenting the Grieving Child, go to www.dianefromme.com
Tags: disillusioned, graduation, pressures, responsibilities, Social/Cultural, suicide rate, Teens, young adults