Last Wednesday I blogged about anger, and the very same day another of my stepparent colleagues also blogged about stepparent anger. Are we affected by the upcoming full moon, or is this a recurring theme families need to pay attention to? What do you think?
I’ve been focusing on ways I can “come down” from feeling angry so that I don’t affect my health or leave my family with the impression that I’m a lunatic. On the other hand, I think that we as stepparents have an opportunity for ongoing education when we tell our families that we were angry and why. Our sharing might spur another stepfamily member to speak up about his or her anger.
After all, do you agree that sometimes we get angry because no one in the family seems to understand us or what we’re feeling?
Here’s a tip that’s been helping me process anger: I’ve gotten to know my hot buttons so I don’t overreact when they are pushed. I feel fairly certain that family members will try to push those buttons once or twice. Feeling misunderstood is certainly one hot button for me. Here are a few others, as examples:
- feeling underappreciated
- feeling like someone I trusted has crossed me
- perceiving a lack of respect (toward any family member)
When these topics come up for me, I know I have to take extra time to evaluate what’s really going on, and then I can react more appropriately.
Here’s an example. After multiple years of awkward Mother’s Days, I came to know that on Mother’s Day I would probably feel underappreciated. So I’ve made a point of planning something special for myself on Mother’s Day weekend; something I gave as a gift to myself, even if it was just time to be outdoors (a likely choice for me). Then, no matter how Mother’s Day turned out, I felt OK.
Help us all out! What are some ways you deal with your anger? It’s now easy to comment – just fill out your name, e-mail, and comment below.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in Northern Colorado. For more information on her book, Stepparenting the Grieving Child, go to www.dianefromme.com
Tags: anger, Communication, family meetings, hot buttons, Mother's Day, stepfamilies, stepfamily education, Stepparenting
Sometimes it’s hard to separate my daughter’s identity from what I remember about my childhood identity. She is a competitive swimmer, and I was too. She likes to draw, and I did too. She shares enough of my physical features to elicit comments like, “we know whose daughter that is.”
So even though I know, conceptually, how important it is to recognize her individuality, I still find myself occasionally projecting an “I excelled here, why can’t you?” attitude. “Mama’s a writer; why don’t you like writing? How come you don’t like to settle in with a good book and read for an hour? I set a backstroke record; you have the body length to do the same.”
Yikes! Flashing red lights appear on my radar when I say these things.
Luckily these differences ARE signs that Amy, now nine, has her own identity! I’m also watching subtle changes in her interactions with me and with others. She’s started to temper her public displays of affection with me. She won’t hop on her bicycle just because I love to cycle – she’d rather push her scooter. She’s getting more comfortable performing dramatically in front of others (something I never achieved in my childhood!).
Yesterday I even watched her stand up to one of the boys in her classroom who’s been blaming her for their table’s penalties. She didn’t know I had slipped into the classroom, silently cheering for her all the way.
My commitment to you, Amy, is to recognize who you are, not who I want you to be. I just need a little help, and I trust you’ll continue showing me the way.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in Northern Colorado. For more information on her book, Stepparenting the Grieving Child, go to www.dianefromme.com
Tags: childhood, daughters, Identity, individuality, mothers
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. -Ambrose Bierce
There are three cardinal rules I have to follow when I feel angry at a member of my stepfamily. I’m writing about this because I have blown it before. No real good comes out of a screaming match with your stepchildren. They just see you as scary and out of control. A yell-fest with your spouse isn’t much fun either.
Therefore, rule #1 is to spill my anger first outside of my family, or at least with my spouse. Unless, of course, I am angry at my spouse, in which case I’d better hole up in a room on the phone with a good friend who will listen to my rants without judging. Or, sometimes I exercise or dance away the physical feelings of anger.
Rule #2 is: Don’t burn any bridges. If, even after talking to someone about my feelings, I’m are still angry enough to make grandiose statements that start with “You always…,” or “You never…,” or “I hate when you…,” then I am probably not yet ready to talk it out. I could definitely say things that I later regret. I’ll never forget when I was sixteen and my mom told me that she hated me. I’ve forgiven her, but I’ll never forget that scene. I may have been even more put off if she were my stepmom.
This leads to rule #3. If I start a discussion and my anger is taking over, I’m learning to tell the other person I need a time out and walk away until I’m ready to try again. I’ve found that a good test for readiness is when I can calmly say “I felt angry when (give example)…” without experiencing the anger-driven flush of the cheeks and tensing of the body.
Tune in next Wednesday for a final tip on anger and a story to go with it.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in Northern Colorado. For more information on her book, Stepparenting the Grieving Child, go to www.dianefromme.com
Tags: anger, burning bridges, families, family dynamics, spouses, stepfamilies, Stepparenting
Your turn: If you have any comments or advice for this reader, please comment below or send me an e-mail at info@dianefromme.com.
I’ve recently been in e-mail dialogue with a concerned stepmother. She’s stepparenting three elementary- and middle-school-aged children whose mother died several years ago.
My heart went out to her as I read about her situation. Her husband works a lot, which leaves her to be the primary parent most times of day except evenings, during which her husband is often too tired to deal with discipline issues. Why is this heartbreaking for me to learn? Because as great and caring as this stepmother is, those kids need their daddy. They need the surviving parent to be involved, especially with their discipline.
She mentioned that the two youngest (boys) seem to be taking to her structure and boundary-setting well. Her stepdaughter, 13, is a different story. The relationship is rough, further complicated by such early teen behaviors as eye rolling and snapping back. She comes across as kind of a loner, and is seemingly happy this way.
This is heartbreak number two for me, for so many reasons. First, after trading multiple messages it seems as if this stepdaughter does not have any females she looks up to in her life. Layer that with having a busy dad, and she is in a situation where she is neither accepting love from a woman, nor receiving as much support as some children do.
Second, this astute stepmom, only married one year, has already recognized that no one is talking about mom. “It’s almost as though the subject is taboo,” stepmom said. That statement carries a personal sting for me, as I know our stepfamily had difficulty integrating mom into the conversations in the early years. Thankfully I didn’t shut it down when it did come up, though I felt uncomfortable. It didn’t come up naturally very often, and it is the responsibility of the big people in the house to bring up the deceased parent from time to time. Anniversary dates such as birthdays and the anniversary of the death are great opportunities.
Third, the dad in this family believes everything is going fine, both in the family and with his daughter. In fact, he may be afraid that bringing up mom will pitch his daughter back into the deep sadness he’s seen in the past. This is a common reaction from the surviving parent, be it blissful optimism, denial, or a protective mechanism.
What I told this stepmom is, “How could everything be fine when this girl has lost her mom?” Think about it. The bottom line is everything will be fine until it’s not. Do you want to start dealing with the grief now, while the kids are still relatively young, or wait until later when the life stakes are higher?
I have been through, with my own stepdaughter, the phases of thinking, “She seems happy. Everything must be fine.” It’s so much easier and harmonious to do nothing, I know. But what experts recommend, and I can second from personal experience, is that it’s healthier to help your grieving child chip away at the underlying hurt which is no doubt bottled up inside this stepdaughter, not to mention her younger brothers who seem even more “fine” than she does.
This stepmom is taking some action already in the form of counseling for herself. I am praying that she can take the time to gather some informed perspectives on stepfamily development, and then find the courage to get some talk about mom and about grief going in her family. Since my audio series and book are still in process, I would like to recommend a book I’ve used in my research. Guiding Your Child Through Grief, written by Jim (the surviving parent) and Mary Ann (the stepparent) Emswiler, offers a great chapter about stepparenting a grieving child. And the rest of the book is a good read for surviving parents and stepparents alike.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in Northern Colorado. For more information on her book, Stepparenting the Grieving Child, go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: Communication, death, Grief, loneliness, stepfamilies, Stepparenting, Teens
Like many people, I’m facing some financial challenges these days. The mortgage assistance application calls it “income curtailment.” And, no, the company hasn’t come through yet with any assistance.
I work for myself, yet only part time. I actually made that choice about thee years after becoming a stepparent. I admire women who have a full-time career and also parent well. It doesn’t work for me; I get too overwhelmed, and my parenting suffers with lack of creativity, humor, and patience.
Now, with my husband having gotten laid off a few months ago, we are on the brink of that trigger point where one of us would have to find a job that brings in more money, OR we need to get really creative about other lifestyle options. I think we are both mentally prepared to downsize our home, but who can sell a house for decent value right now?
We’ve gone round and round about me going to work full time so he can build a business. My steppkids live on their own now, and have actually asked to be financially independent for tax purposes in 2009. There’s a blessing of timing! Full-time work could be a plan if it weren’t for Amy.
At nine, Amy is our youngest. I’ve been so fortunate to have almost every day after school with her, and at least half the summers to spend together. And, even though out of the house, the older kids have a random crisis from time to time and it’s nice to be available if they need some help.
So many factors play into a decision to work outside of my home. Working full-time means taking time off being a high-contribution parent…which would be all right if my husband and I switch roles, but then he wouldn’t be building his business. We could pass off after-school child-care to a nanny, if I had a high enough salary to make this option financially sound…and a bit of this could certainly be enriching for Amy.
But let’s face it. I love parenting – that’s why I write this blog! At this very moment I can’t find the right set of reasons to relegate my parenting to a few tired hours in the evening. I may have to, but I’m not ready to make this choice today.
So I think it’s going to have to be something shy of the traditional 40-hour-work week for me. In the meantime, we are praying for a lot of patience, a bit of opportunity, and a miracle from the mortgage company.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in Northern Colorado. For more information on her book, Stepparenting the Grieving Child, go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: child care, economy, families, finances. full-time work, part-time work, working mothers
I am running a slightly edited version of yesterday’s post for the Wednesday stepparenting blog because I think the theme of “hosting a stranger” also applies to stepfamilies. Your partner’s kids are your brave new frontier. Will you to rise to the challenge?
One of my loves is to coordinate international exchange students. I match students from other countries with loving host families and I make sure they have a space in one of the local high schools. But every once in a while I have to deal with a “situation” that results from some combination of clashing personalities and cultures.
All the things that happen before the student arrives are very upbeat and exciting. For example, the matching process is my favorite stage. Families try to choose a student who will fit in with their family culture and who will share some of their family interests.
Living out the home stay, however, is a real test of a family’s commitment and communication skills. Essentially the host family is taking in a stranger – a teenaged stranger – from halfway around the world, and making that person a part of their family for one or two high-school semesters.
This month, one of my host families called and asked me to remove their student from their home for the rest of March. The request was couched in a family crisis – the host mom, crux of the family, had contracted pneumonia and needed some down time.
They gave me about four days notice to find a temporary family. I usually ask for two to three weeks. And, they asked right before Spring Break. Many families go away over Spring Break. So, the short story is that she’s staying with our family for a little while, and then thankfully a family from her school has volunteered to host her when school is back in session.
There’s usually more than meets the eye with these situations, and sure enough I came to find out that the family had become extremely stressed because they were annoyed by some of the student’s behaviors. (Hey, did you know that when you live with someone month after month, your behaviors might annoy each other?)
For reasons I only partially understand, they let the tension build up so much that the only solution they could see was having a break. This is why regular communication is so very important in families – all kinds of families. This is why I blogged about family meetings last week.
Making a commitment to someone who is not your offspring takes a lot of emotional strength. Let me admit to you that volunteering my home to the student wasn’t my first inclination. I made at least fifteen phone calls to find another family to take her in. I’m her supervisor, and I preferred to preserve that form of our relationship. I was looking forward to a quiet Spring Break including special time with my little girl. Our family has some financial challenges right now, and I’m trying to find more work, not create new volunteer work.
But this “stranger,” whom I’ve come to know by supervising her for seven months, is a brave girl who has traveled thousands of miles away from home (at ages 15 – 16) to improve her English and experience an American education. She didn’t purposely do anything wrong with her host family (and I really believe that now that she’s living with me). She deserved better communication and a warning to improve some things – a process I as a supervisor can help a family work through if they alert me early on.
But how do you say “work this out” when you’ve been told that someone is down with pneumonia?
We are the big people here, folks. I know sometimes we’re too overwhelmed to step up to our responsibilities. On the other hand, how long can we wait to follow through and do the right thing? Can we show enough compassion and communication to expand our definition of the word family in order to make someone who is not a blood relative feel at home?
To all families who step it up and make this commitment to their exchange students or stepchildren, thank you. Not only from the bottom of my heart, but from the bottom of their hearts. Whether the kids see it or not, your compassion changes their lives forever.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in Northern Colorado. For more information on her book, Stepparenting the Grieving Child, go to www.dianefromme.com
Tags: commitment, Communication, compassion, cultures, kindness, stepfamilies, Teens
One of my loves is to coordinate international exchange students. I match students from other countries with loving host families and I make sure they have a space in one of the local high schools. But every once in a while I have to deal with a “situation” that results from some combination of clashing personalities and cultures.
All the things that happen before the student arrives are very upbeat and exciting. For example, the matching process is my favorite stage. Families try to choose a student who will fit in with their family culture and who will share some of their family interests.
Living out the home stay, however, is a real test of a family’s commitment and communication skills. Essentially the host family is taking in a stranger – a teenaged stranger – from halfway around the world, and making that person a part of their family for one or two high-school semesters.
This month, one of my host families called and asked me to remove their student from their home for the rest of March. The request was couched in a family crisis – the host mom, crux of the family, had contracted pneumonia and needed some down time.
They gave me about four days notice to find a temporary family. I usually ask for two to three weeks. And, they asked right before Spring Break. Many families go away over Spring Break. So, the short story is that she’s staying with our family for a little while, and then thankfully a family from her school has volunteered to host her when school is back in session.
There’s usually more than meets the eye with these situations, and sure enough I came to find out that the family had become extremely stressed because they were annoyed by some of the student’s behaviors. (Hey, did you know that when you live with someone month after month, their behaviors might annoy you?)
For reasons I only partially understand, they let the tension build up so much that the only solution they could see was having a break. This is why regular communication is so very important in families – all kinds of families. This is why I blogged about family meetings last week.
Making a commitment to someone who is not your offspring takes a lot of emotional strength. Let me admit to you that volunteering my home to the student wasn’t my first inclination. I made at least fifteen phone calls to find another family to take her in. I’m her supervisor, and I preferred to preserve that form of our relationship. I was looking forward to a quiet Spring Break including special time with my little girl. Our family has some financial challenges right now, and I’m trying to find more work, not create new volunteer work.
But this “stranger,” whom I’ve come to know by supervising her for seven months, is a brave girl who has traveled thousands of miles away from home (at ages 15 – 16) to improve her English and experience an American education. She didn’t purposely do anything wrong with her host family (and I really believe that now that she’s living with me). She deserved better communication and a warning to improve some things – a process I as a supervisor can help a family work through if they alert me early on.
But how do you say “work this out” when you’ve been told that someone is down with pneumonia?
We are the big people here, folks. I know sometimes we’re too overwhelmed to step up to our responsibilities. On the other hand, how long can we wait to follow through and do the right thing? Can we show enough compassion and communication to expand our definition of the word family in order to make someone who is not a blood relative feel at home?
To my host families who step it up and make this commitment to their exchange students, thank you. Not only from the bottom of my heart, but from the bottom of their hearts. I guarantee that those students will one day (or already) look back and say you changed their lives forever. And the students whose families pushed them away will always wonder why.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in Northern Colorado. For more information on her book, Stepparenting the Grieving Child, go to www.dianefromme.com
Tags: commitment, Communication, cultures, exchange students, kindness
(Most writers like the top ten approach, but I like for you to fill in the tenth!)
Various situations in my life continue to point out the extreme importance of communication. The worst trap of all in a stepfamily is no communication. Assumptions fill the gaps and actions are based on the assumptions! One way a stepfamily can ensure some sort of regular communication is family meetings.
This length of post won’t do this topic justice, so I thought I’d focus on nine practical guidelines for family meetings.
- Commit to a regular frequency for family meetings, i.e. we will meet once per month, or once per week, etc. In a highly-scheduled family, pick dates for all to get on their calendars, and provide the busiest kids frequent reminders.
- Pick a meeting time of day that is not over a main meal. Make the meeting special and separate, with its own character. Keep meal times free from discussions that can get too heavy.
- Decide who will facilitate each meeting. In a stepfamily with kids from both parents, each parent should trade off facilitating the meeting. If the kids are only from one parent, let that parent facilitate for many months until the family is comfortable with the meeting format. Then the stepparent can trade off running the meeting.
- Prepare for the meeting in the form of a meeting agenda. Ask family members to contribute agenda items ahead, or build the agenda together on a white board.
- Set meeting guidelines. This can be part of the first meeting agenda. Some useful guidelines are: Speakers must ask for speaker’s prompt (see #6). No interrupting the speaker. Someone will take notes at each meeting. Meeting will not exceed one hour’s time. Decisions will be made by family vote (consider other methods if you think this will cause problems).
- Provide a speaker’s prompt – an object (preferably one that makes noise) that can be passed to the person who is speaking. If someone interrupts, the speaker can simply set off the noise as a reminder that he or she is still speaking (as opposed to getting into a squabble). Our family used a small soda can filled with about ten pennies. It was duct-taped over the top.
- Allow and encourage honest communication. This will take multiple meetings and practice. #8 will help.
- Make the meeting fun. Our very first stepfamily meeting was an ice-cream sundae bar and it was a big hit. Not all the meetings have to incorporate a big event, but you do want your kids to look forward to the meetings.
- Follow up on action items. There is nothing more discouraging than baring your soul at a family meeting only to see that no one is behaving any differently.
- Your turn! What ideas do you have for your family meetings?
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in Northern Colorado. For more information on her book, Stepparenting the Grieving Child, go to www.dianefromme.com
Tags: assumptions, communication tools, family fun, family meetings, stepfamilies, Stepparenting
I’m not quite sure why, but I’ve been thinking a lot recently about how fragile life is. Even more specifically, how fragile are the lives of flesh and blood (or fur and blood) beings. So much of the world’s actions or illness could wipe us out overnight.
So imagine my contemplations confirmed when
I read an e-mail newsletter from one of my stepparenting business colleagues last night.
It opened with, “Please forgive me for not designing an E-Magazine this month. On Saturday, February 21st Nan and I buried our 12 year-old son, Connor. He died February 17th after a sudden battle with staph sepsis pneumonia, ARDS (Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome), and Influenza.”
Upon further research about Connor’s situation, I discovered he had taken ill about the second week of February. The infection was quick and it was deadly.
Most of you reading this blog are parents. Perhaps you’ve even lost a child yourselves. I can’t imagine what I would do and how I would react, and I dearly pray I don’t find out.
So going into our weekends, I just want to toss out the reminder to make love a daily practice. Don’t schedule it for 2 p.m. on Tuesday. Don’t spin your emotional wheels on petty discontents.
Love now, and love often. Have a blessed weekend.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent pondering life from her Northern Colorado home and office. Read more about her book, Stepparenting the Grieving Child, at www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: life, losing a child, love
Making Comments is a Snap!
I’m excited to announce that you will now find it easier to make comments on Mama J’s Parenting Posts. No pre-comment sign-in is required; you simply have to type your name, e-mail, and comment into the space below the post. Voila!
Please read one of the recent posts and give it a try.
Tags: About, making comments, Mama J's, parenting