Sometimes I have a wake-up moment that reminds me of the instinct a mom has for her young. At the same time, I can’t help but compare this instinct to the ways I’ve parented my stepchildren. Neither approach is right or wrong – it’s just different.
After I dropped my daughter off at last Saturday’s sleepover party, I joined a bunch of moms who were chatting on the front stoop before taking off to enjoy their evenings. One of them mentioned a phrase that caught my attention: “…after I check on my kids at night to make sure they’re still breathing.”
“Oh my gosh!” I exclaimed. “I thought I was the only one who went in and checked if my kid was breathing!” (I also joked about thinking I was a little bit of a freak to do so). Slowly, around the circle, all the moms acknowledged that they did this nightly.
On the way home, I felt reassured and yet sad. I can’t remember ever once checking to make sure my stepkids were breathing after I tucked them in at night. Maybe it was because their father played that role. But no matter the reason, it never even occurred to me to check their breathing.
Do I think this makes me a bad stepmom? No. (And I did do some pretty nice tuck-ins.) This lack of instinctive motivation simply underscores a difference between my parenting and my stepparenting. As a stepparent getting to know the kids mid-development cycle, I learned to take care of them as opposed to acting from instinctual protective urges.
As stepparents, I think we do need to accept that some things are different and that’s okay. Let’s also realize that our stepkids have these distinctions as well, often expressed in how they accept our love and parenting as compared to how they might accept the same from their mom, dad, or even aunt or grandmother.
Mama J is a writer, parent, and stepparent in Northern Colorado. To learn more about her book, Stepparenting the Grieving Child, visit www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: nature vs. nurture, parenting, rituals, Stepparenting
Over the weekend I blogged about how day trips can give me a new family perspective, and how much I enjoy that fresh approach.
I want to apply the same idea to stepparenting. I often find I am sorely in need of another perspective, sometimes when I least expect it. This happened a few weeks after my stepson recently moved back into our basement. We all believe this is temporary, but it started as “May I crash here for a night?” Because I didn’t realize that a night would turn into weeks, I hadn’t been down to the room that my husband had set up for him.
I walked in there yesterday and saw something that I firmly believe in and yet it made my stomach do a flip-flop. He has two pictures of his mother (deceased now for 16 years) up in the room. My head knows this is good — good for him, and healthy to keep connected.
That doesn’t change how my insides reacted.
I mentioned my experience to my cousin, who has always been very honest and truthful with me, and is a psychologist to boot. She said, “I’m guessing that having you in his life in such a supportive way has allowed him to also cherish his Mom and his memories of her.”
Wow. Why didn’t I think of that? (V-8 bonk-on-the-head moment.)
Or how about the time when the kids were in elementary school and I was whining about them calling me Diane. Another mom told me her son (not her stepson) calls her by her first name. When she asked him to call her Mommy, he said, “but you’re my Dee Dee!” It triggered a memory of Brittany telling her friends that I was “her Diane.” I guess that wasn’t so bad!
So, try it. If you’re struggling with something in the stepfamily arena, cast out for a fresh view. That which you reel in may be just what you needed to hear.
Mama J is frequently saved by fresh perspectives. She writes, parents, and stepparents in Northern Colorado. To learn more about her book, Stepparenting the Grieving Child, check out her website at www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: managing emotions, mementos, memories, new perspectives, stepfamilies, Stepparenting
I’m talking about a real, get-in-the-car, bike, or hike kind of day trip, by the way. As you may already know, I write nine things so you can fill in the tenth.
- Get you and your family out of the house. I love my home and have been working on making it a comfortable place with some private space too. When I get out into the world, though, I feel liberated, armed with the sense of freedom that comes with something new and fresh. Sometimes families need this infusion.
- Relax into the chance to catch up with family and friends.
- Take the opportunity to listen to a book on CD, your favorite music, NPR or any other educational/stimulating/relaxing audio (of course this is mostly if you’re in the car)
- Experience something new or different that will challenge you, stretch your imagination, tickle your brain cells, and alert you to the wonder that exists in this world.
- You can keep the cost relatively low. I recently went on a day trip with the high school exchange students I supervise. We drove to Colorado Springs (2 plus hours) and back, saw the Air Force Academy and Garden of the Gods, and the whole trip cost me $6 (dinner) plus gas. Hikes or bike rides could cost even less, especially when you pack your snacks and drinks.
- A day trip is easier to plan and schedule than an overnight. Families often can’t get away together for more than a day. You can often research the trip on the web in the morning and then take off for the rest of the day. Even a partial day trip can refresh.
- You can give the gift of travel or adventure to someone who can’t get themselves there. My mom no longer drives, and she so loves the opportunity to get out for the day.
- Take the break from work you didn’t even know you needed. It’s easy to get caught in the trap of “too much to do to take time off,” and yet I firmly believe we are more productive overall when we give ourselves breaks.
- Incorporate some form of exercise into your day trip to feel a sense of accomplishment and well-being. Even if you are driving, work a walk or hike into the schedule. When you are driving with a partner who also drives, take a beneficial rest.
- What do you like about day trips?
Mama J is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in Northern Colorado. She appreciates breaks and new perspectives. Look up her book, Stepparenting the Grieving Child, at www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: exercise, families, family activities, family fun, low cost trips, travel, trips, vacations, well being
Why is stepparenting after a death different than stepparenting after divorce? After all, stepfamily members in both divorce and death situations experience various kinds of losses. Am I saying that the loss of a parent is worse than the loss of a child’s former home, or the loss of living full time with Daddy?
No. Not exactly. There’s no way to quantify the severity of the losses suffered when marriages break up and families must find ways to carry on. However, my research shows that stepparents of grieving children have some singular issues to consider. Most of those revolve around how this type of loss affects the children, while other issues grow out of some role confusion because the ex-spouse is not physically present.
Here’s what I’ve discovered:
- Many children in divorced families have regular contact with both parents. Grieving children also need “contact” with both parents. How can a stepparent encourage creative ways to keep the kids’ relationship with the deceased parent alive?
- Related to helping kids continue their bonds with both parents, did you know you were signing up for this job when you married into the family?
- When kids of divorce see both parents, they witness their shining traits and their faux pas. When a parent dies, the children tend to idolize the dead parent with intense feelings of loyalty, which makes it really hard and scary for them to bond with even the most loving, supportive stepparent.
- Bereaved children can have difficulty trusting others, especially trusting any level of permanency. They may be more hesitant about intimate relationships than divorced children. A natural question for bereaved children to ask is, “Who’s going to die next?” They question the surviving parent’s mortality, and even their own mortality. I came down with pneumonia when my stepdaughter was about eight, and she immediately wanted to know if I was going to die. Her mother had passed away from cancer when she was six.
- It’s more than a bit challenging for the stepparent to resist stepping into the role created by the loss of a parent. When a child is moving back and forth between houses, or even simply calling to speak to their mom or dad on a regular basis, that parental role is more concrete than when a parent dies.
What differences stand out to those of you who are stepparenting after a parent has died?
Mama J is a Northern Colorado writer, parent , and stepparent. For more information on her book, Stepparenting the Grieving Child, go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: divorces, family roles, Grief, loyalty, stepfamilies, trust
Stepmom bloggers have some pretty wise things to say about Mother’s Day. Today I’m sharing the suggestions I’ve found that I think are the most helpful. And, yes, I’ve added my own comments as well.
1. Take Mother’s Day into your own hands. Plan something that makes it your day, as opposed to waiting for someone else to do something for you.
2. Be bold enough to celebrate an entirely different day with your stepchildren. I really believe (but only after years of experience!) that this holiday is not your day to celebrate with them. Whether she is dead or living, your stepkids have a mom, and this is the day to honor their mom.
3. If your own mother or mother-in-law are around, do something special for her/them. If it’s something you enjoy too, all the better! If weather permits, do something outdoors. Or catch a special movie together. Giving can feel as good as receiving. Maybe even better.
4. No matter what you choose to do on Mother’s Day, remember that it will feel best if all parties are sincere in what they can give. If the most sincere gift is to offer nothing, in my opinion that is better than something that feels forced.
God bless all stepmothers and the important work that we do.
Mama J is a Northern Colorado writer, parent, and stepparent. For more information on her book, Stepparenting the Grieving Child, go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: celebrations, Mother's Day, stepfamilies, stepmoms
This family form apparently reflects a very real trend. A recent article in the Colorado University Extension newsletter mentions that from 1990 to 2000, the number of custodial grandparents in Colorado increased by 73%! And, in the U.S., more than 4.5 million children under age 18 live with their grandparents.
I know of one such family right in our neighborhood. They thought their divorced daughter’s new boyfriend was a little dangerous, so they took twin girls into safety.
I imagine the challenges that grandparents raising kids must face. First of all, dare I say it? They are still a form of stepparent, and we already know that stepparenting when the parents are not available has its own circle of issues.
Second of all, they are not naturally “in” with the social network of school or club parents. This is not to say they can’t quickly become part of these groups, but I think it depends on the mix of styles and personalities.
Third, what about energy levels? I am in my mid-forties and I already don’t have the energy I did ten years ago. Bless these grandparents who step in to raise children!
Fourth, many retired people are on reduced incomes. Adding to your family size increases expenses.
Special concerns usually benefit from special support. Colorado State Extension offers a new support resource for grandparents: The Grandparents Raising Grandchildren website. The website includes local, state, and national resources on financial assistance, health, legal issues, education, and parenting. It also offers a forum for grandparents raising grandkids to tell their stories.
If you know any grandparents raising grandchildren, please pass along these resources today!
Mama J is a writer, parent, and stepparent (but not yet a grandparent) in Northern Colorado. Find information on her book, Stepparenting the Grieving Child, at www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: grandparenting, stepfamilies, stepgrandparenting, support groups
This post will pique the interest of parents with high school seniors. The post-graduation summer between high school and college is a creature alive with its own personality. These months require parenting skills unlike those in any other phase of parenting.
I remember the summer before I left for college I made a very questionable choice, after which my mother wrung her hands and exclaimed, “With this behavior, how can you be ready to go across the country to college?”
Well, I needed to grow through my mistakes. In my opinion, what our high school graduates need from us is the communication and guidance to safely transition to more independent living.
Two of my children have crossed this bridge, and I’ve witnessed many other families handle the transition. The ideas I share below are tactics you may have already practiced or been forced into thinking about as senior year has progressed.
1. Communication works better than restriction.
Allow your graduate to earn more freedom with reliable two-way communication. Working through life’s issues and challenges with discussion is IN. Grounding at this point is OUT – what does it teach them? (I can answer that – it teaches them to go crazy once they leave your humble abode).
2. Scheduled family time still matters.
It’s an easy mistake to think that family time no longer matters to your graduate. Hold onto a few family traditions with her, be it dinners together, worship time, or family movie night. Though they may grumble (it’s a habit for some), deep down it feels good for them to have roots. Give them a semester at college and they’ll appreciate home even more.
A nice side benefit of maintaining some family time is that you the parent will feel less resentful of their freedoms.
3. A little flexibility can go a long way.
It’s time to do a review of your house rules for this particular child. Keep the few you feel most strongly about, and examine which of the others you can relax as your graduate earns more freedom. For example, which is more important: that she still calls when she is out and changes locations or that she doesn’t watch any TV in the house after midnight? Keep communicating about the value of the rules you do enforce, though sometimes you just have to stress that you don’t expect her to understand your perspective.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in Northern Colorado. For more information on her book, Stepparenting the Grieving Child, go to www.dianefromme.com
Tags: graduation, high school, house rules. parenting strategies, summertime, Teens
April 24 comes around every year. It’s not like Leap Day; it never gets skipped on the calendar.
In two days, my stepchildren will again remember their mother’s birthday. She would have been 49 this year.
At least two anniversaries each year should not go without recognition in a grieving stepfamily: The deceased parent’s birth date and death date. Throughout the twelve years our stepfamily lived under the same roof, these two days were awkward for me, only slightly outdone by Mother’s Day (yeah, that’s coming up too).
The awkwardness for me came from:
- 1) Not knowing the person I was celebrating, and
- 2) Not knowing how to celebrate these days. What actions were sincere? Meaningful? Enough? Too much?
My husband and I found that the kids didn’t have suggestions of what they wanted to do. So we always came up with the ideas. Now that they live on their own, I hope they’ve found ways to celebrate that are truly meaningful to them.
Don’t take a child’s statement, “You don’t have to do anything,” as bait. Do something to let your stepkids know that you as a family choose to honor, in some visible, external way, the life force their mom or dad represents. An internal clock is ticking loudly in the subconscious during these anniversaries, and marking the date gives kids a way to integrate that ticking into the rhythm of their day.
Here are some birthday celebration ideas:
- Light a candle that represents the loved one’s presence and keep it burning as long as you are around the house that day.
- Write cards or letters to update the loved one about goings on in the kids’ lives. Keep the letters, or burn them if that seems healing, or send them to a relative who would understand.
- Take a birthday cake to a place that was special to the loved one. Hold the birthday ceremony with that person’s presence there.
- Buy one, several, or a cluster of helium balloons. Go to an open space and release the balloons to the sky. Don’t stop watching until they disappear into the heavens.
- Frame pictures of the loved one with his or her children. Give one to each child to keep.
- Go out to eat at the loved one’s favorite restaurant.
- Go around and share a favorite memory of the loved one. Stepparents who didn’t know this person can learn more about him or her through the other family member’s reflections.
Which celebration ideas would work in your family? Even though my stepchildren are out of the house now, I’ll be lighting a candle on Friday.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in Northern Colorado. For more information on her book, Stepparenting the Grieving Child, go to www.dianefromme.com
Tags: anniversaries, birthdays, celebrations, death date, grieving, memories, stepfamilies
A friend of mine brought up an interesting dilemma this weekend. Her daughter is finishing third grade but reads well beyond her grade level (eighth grade according to AR scores). How does she keep her daughter challenged as a reader without exposing her to material beyond her maturity level?
This situation reminds me of any child-development situation where the child’s gifts are obviously accelerated in a particular area. Should a record-setting ten-year-old swimmer move up to a practice group made up primarily of teenagers? Should the twelve-year-old math whiz be allowed into the math special for high school freshmen?
I’ve noticed that, at least in this little slice of Colorado, most educators and coaches say “no” to exposing younger children to older themes and peer groups. Instead, these youth leaders take the challenge to meet the needs of gifted children in other ways, such as initiating special goal-setting sessions or strengthening the school-to-home connection.
I applied this logic to the reading dilemma. Out of curiosity, I chased down a few interesting websites that give reading options and book descriptions for different reading levels.
One site offers reading lists that were started as part of a librarian collaborative project, All Together Now (ATN). The lists are sorted a number of ways, including by themes and by values.
Another site out of New South Wales lists challenge-level books for grades K – 2, 3 – 4, 5 – 6, and 7 – 9.
Having been an advanced reader myself, I thought back to what I was reading the summer prior to fourth grade. While not at eighth-grade reading levels, many books had and I believe still have content that is very thought-provoking for a young child. The quality of the content is what my friend is really seeking for her daughter. She might try books like Harriet the Spy, A Wrinkle in Time, or The Chronicles of Narnia. My daughter recommended a recent book she’s taken with — The Mysterious Benedict Society.
No matter what your child is reading, follow-up questions about the book will make all the difference in the reading experience. What does your daughter think about the concept of a time machine? To what time period would she go if given the chance? What character qualities would be important if you were on a team to save the world from destruction? And so on. Many libraries and local bookstores now have mother and daugher book groups that act as a forum to explore the deeper issues in a children’s book.
Happy reading!
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a Northern Colorado writer, parent, and stepparent who still loves to read and write. For more information on her book, Stepparenting the Grieving Child, go to www.dianefromme.com
Tags: advanced readers, children, children's books, children's reading levels, gifted children, great books, reading lists, summer reading
After all that blogging about anger, I thought that bringing in a little bit of a “spring is blossoming” feeling here on the blog might brighten up the mood. 
I want to share some things I actually like about being a stepparent. I compose these “nine things” lists (instead of ten things) just to be different, and because I like you to fill in the tenth spot. Since I’m going to go backwards today, why don’t you name one thing you like about being a stepparent? Do it now, before you read my list. Share it with your spouse!
OK, here we go:
9. I’ve been part of a whole separate category on the U.S. Census (p.s. the Census no longer separates out stepfamily data, so I should put the 2000 Census in a time capsule!)
8. I think it’s cool that my stepkids have three sets of grandparents
7. I’m part of a family group that gets its own U.S. holiday – National Stepfamily Day is September 16 (for those of you in other countries, do you have a stepfamily holiday?)
6. I used to take a lot of things personally, but being a stepparent has thickened my skin (handy for life in general)
5. I don’t feel guilty when I choose to be a pal instead of a parent to my stepkids
4. Professional counselors advise that I turn over the most difficult parent-child negotiations to my husband/their father (whew!)
3. Many other women think I’m a saint up for promotion (ha!! But I’ll take it)
2. Stepparenting has taught me (however begrudgingly) how to give even in the face of adversity
1. As a stepparent I have a novel perspective on life and parenting that I could not have otherwise obtained or understood
What did I miss that’s great about being a stepparent?
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in Northern Colorado. She incorporates her novel perspective on life and parenting in her book, Stepparenting the Grieving Child. For more information, visit www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: National Stepfamily Day, Nine things, Stepparenting, U.S. Census