There are several reasons that I’m writing a book about stepparenting children who have lost a parent. A huge one is because I believe that this type of grief changes a lot of dynamics in the stepfamily as compared to a divorce situation. There is no book dedicated to the topic of stepparenting grieving children.
Why is stepparenting after a death different than stepparenting after divorce? After all, stepfamily members in both divorce and death situations experience various kinds of losses. Am I saying that the loss of a parent is worse than the loss of a child’s former home, or the loss of living full time with Daddy?
No. Not exactly. There’s no way to quantify the severity of the losses suffered when marriages break up and families must find ways to carry on. However, my research shows that stepparents of grieving children have some singular issues to consider. Most of those revolve around how this type of loss affects the children, while other issues grow out of some role confusion because the ex-spouse is not physically present.
Here’s what I’ve discovered:
- Many children in divorced families have regular contact with both parents. Grieving children also need “contact” with both parents. How can a stepparent encourage creative ways to keep the kids’ relationship with the deceased parent alive?
- Related to helping kids continue their bonds with both parents, did you know you were signing up for this job when you married into the family?
- When kids of divorce see both parents, they witness their shining traits and their faux pas. When a parent dies, the children tend to idolize the dead parent with intense feelings of loyalty, which makes it really hard and scary for them to bond with even the most loving, supportive stepparent.
- Bereaved children can have difficulty trusting others, especially trusting any level of permanency. They may be more hesitant about intimate relationships than divorced children. A natural question for bereaved children to ask is, “Who’s going to die next?” They question the surviving parent’s mortality, and even their own mortality. I came down with pneumonia when my stepdaughter was about eight, and she immediately wanted to know if I was going to die. Her mother had passed away from cancer when she was six.
- It’s more than a bit challenging for the stepparent to resist stepping into the role created by the loss of a parent. When a child is moving back and forth between houses, or even simply calling to speak to their mom or dad on a regular basis, that parental role is more concrete than when a parent dies.
I believe that under divorce circumstances it’s easier for a stepparent to accept that she doesn’t fill the parent role. But after a death, don’t the kids – especially younger kids ? need that parent’s role to be filled? Ahhhhh…here’s a trap. The answer is, not necessarily. The answer is, only if your stepkids want you in that role. A few will, but many don’t because of the loyalty issue.
Grieving stepfamilies have to work hard at making the invisible visible so that the deceased parent still has a presence in the house. Though stepmom might have many daily responsibilities that simulate the mother role, she still has to re-focus her energies and expectations because she is not, and never will be, the children’s mother. She needs to carve out another role in the family, such as guidance counselor or confidante. Stepdad can step into roles such as fishing buddy or mentor. (or, vice versa – a stepmom can also be an awesome fly fisherwoman!)
That, my colleagues and friends, is grieving stepfamilies 101. I look forward to your comments.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book, go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: Identity, Social/Cultural, Stepparenting
This post is a reminder about the beauty of brevity with the young
ladies in our lives. I know. I didn’t keep this post to 25 words. But
you’re adults. : )
Many times (a day) we want to get across a message, request, or
teaching point with our girls. Here’s the scoop: avoid crossing the fine
line that brings your words of wisdom into the realm of “lecture” (or,
for younger children, the realm of “blah, blah, blah.”). Once your quick
tutorial falls into the lecture category, humor evaporates, eyes glaze
over, and ears plug up with protest.
So, instead of:
“Honey, I see you haven’t put away the clothes I’ve folded and left on
your bed. We’ve discussed this before…do you want a room
overflowing with stuff or do you want a neat room with space to move
around? I don’t know how you even sleep on this bed with those
clothes piled so high. So can you put away the clothes now?”
(63 words). (Really. I used the word count).
Try:
“Before you call Sydney, it’s time to put your clothes away.”
(11 words).
Or, (pointing at clothes):
“Honey, clothes.”
(2 words)
If your girls are younger than about eight, they just won’t have the
attention span for a long explanation, no matter how logical. If your
daughter is much older than ten, you may start to see the “rolling
eyes” affliction when you’re too wordy.
If your young lady is already showing the negotiating skills of a future
lawyer and all you want is results, shorter is definitely better. More
words open the door for counterpoint arguments that usually send you
chasing each other down a rat hole.
Here are some short-style examples. The target age of the potential listener
ranges from younger to older:
“Once you put Polly Pockets away, I’ll help you clean your room.”
“Comparing myself to other people makes me feel worse.”
“No back-to-back sleepovers.”
“We’re going to stick with group dating right now.”
My point? Direct messages work no matter what age. That’s all, Mama.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: Communication
One of the many things I appreciate about my 8-year-old is that she is
a good communicator. Lately she’s been expressing to me that she
just doesn’t understand the Bible. She thinks this is part of the reason
“church services are boring.”
I spent a little bit of time stressing about how I don’t make her sit in
church service enough. But I quickly turned my energy toward
searching for something positive that I can do to bring the Bible to her
in more concrete and meaningful terms.
Less than a week later, a possible solution landed right in my lap (in
that way that God has). I attended a discussion group at church called
“Growing Kids God’s Way,” at which the group facilitator, Jan, had 10
or 12 books spread out for parents to look over. I gravitated to the
ones that present kids and parents with a daily trivia fact, situation, or
devotional to discuss (Many of these types of books are available on
the Internet, for example at www.christianbook.com).
“Go ahead and check one out for the week,” said Jan. “And let us
know next week how it’s working for you.” Bingo.
The book I chose is called Sticky Situations, by Betsy Schmitt. Each
page contains a situation kids might encounter in daily life. This is
followed by a multiple choice question about what the main character
in the situation should do. Each page suggests a Bible passage to read
in order to find out if the answer chosen is the answer the Bible leads
us to choose.
Amy loves everything about the routine we’ve created with this book.
At tuck-in time, we read the sticky situation for the day. I give her the
multiple choice quiz. (Sometimes the answers are “dead giveaways,”
according to Amy, but one or two so far have been a little tricky).
Then we read the Bible passage to figure out if it supports the answer
she chose.
We’ve read about fifteen of these passages so far. One highlight was
the chance to review the story of Moses receiving the Ten
Commandments. Amy didn’t remember hearing this story before. She
was impressed by the special delivery on Mount Sinai.
Another exciting revelation was our reading of a passage I feel is really
important for young girls to hear frequently: 1 Samuel 16: 1 – 13 (especially verse 7). It
says that a person’s heart is more important and beautiful to God than
a person’s appearance.
My report to the parenting group? I’m so jazzed! My daughter is
thrilled to learn about the Bible little bits at a time, through points she
can apply to real-life situations. And who knows – one of those Bible
passages may just sound familiar to her in the next Sunday school or
church service.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.
Your turn: Are you a believer in texting teens and young adults? Why
or why not? Leave your comment at the end of this post.
Usually Wednesday’s posts are devoted to stepparenting discussions,
but since I covered National Stepfamily Day yesterday I thought I’d
pick a topic that could apply to parents and stepparents alike.
If you’re not getting the return phone calls you’d like from the teens in
your life, try texting (sending a text message from your cell phone to
theirs).
I’m a believer in texting. My “conversion” occurred after an
experiment. What’s the best way to find out if a 16-year-old babysitter
is free to hang out with our 8-year-old?
Traditional voice message for babysitter – 2-day response.
Text message to same babysitter – 2-hour response.
No kidding.
Since I also exchange text messages with our young adult children, I
can assure you that the same hastened response time applies for early
twenty-somethings.
In my opinion, here’s why texting yields a quicker response:
- Many teens are in a habit of texting. It’s a common way they
interact with their friends. They feel more compelled to respond to a
text message than a voice message. - Texting feels good. Fingers fly; words and symbols appear on the
screen. Texting is current and cool. - Texting is young people’s technology; voicing and headsets are adult
technology. You don’t see teens walking around with blinking blue
lights hooked over their ears, do you? (Even though I am in my 40s,
the first time I saw someone wearing a Bluetooth earpiece, I thought
the aliens had landed). - Text communication is slightly less real time and certainly less
interactive than voice communication. Our teens and young adults
may actually like that they don’t have to fully interact with us at that
moment. Sometimes it’s okay to allow them that extra distance. But
you wouldn’t want to try to text through a serious issue that requires
face-to-face communication.
If you try my experiment, I offer a caveat: Don’t insert all the cute
abbreviations and symbols kids use in their texts. That’s their world,
and your attempt to fit in will probably be scorned.
If you’re like me, you won’t have to worry about that one. I don’t
even know the proper way to write the icon for “laughing out loud.”
LoL? lol? lOl? (Go ahead, laugh out loud.)
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: Communication, Teens
Did you know that every September 16 has officially been designated
National Stepfamily Day by most of the states in the United States?
Today represents the 11th Annual Stepfamily Day.
The inaugural issue of reMarriage magazine reports that “…one in
three Americans is now part of a stepfamily – that is, a stepparent,
stepchild, or stepsibling….” Whether or not you fall into this group,
take the topic of this post as a reminder that stepfamily formation is
present in our society and worthy of celebration.
I believe that the essence of Stepfamily Day is to enjoy a little time with
your own stepfamily members, thus giving recognition to the good in
being part of a stepfamily. On the Saturday following National
Stepfamily Day, many cities are home to larger stepfamily events such
as picnics. Look for possible celebrations in your area this Saturday,
September 20.
National Stepfamily Day founder Christy Borgeld wrote the following
thoughts about the purpose of this day:
- “Our nation has been blessed by thousands upon thousands of
loving stepparents and stepchildren who are daily reminders of
the joy, trials, and triumphs of the stepfamily experience and of
the boundless love contained in the bond between all types of
parents and children.” - “Stepfamily Day is a day to celebrate the many invaluable
contributions stepfamilies have made to enriching the lives and
life experience of the children and parents of America and to
strengthening the fabric of American families and society.” - “Stepfamily Day will encourage and educate all members of a
stepfamily [and] honor those who have made a commitment to
creating new family bonds.”
Whether sharing a meal together, a walk, or a picnic in the park, enjoy
your time as a stepfamily this week. Being in a stepfamily is
something you can be proud of.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: Social/Cultural, Stepparenting
It seems fitting to write about this topic on the anniversary of 9/11. I
grew up in New York City and vividly remember the Twin Towers being
built. On the fateful day of the crashes in 2001, I wrestled with how to
discuss the events of the day with my children. I felt the need for
some guidelines.
Luckily, many useful resources quickly cropped up on the web, and our
children’s teachers handled questions and discussions in the
classrooms.
These guidelines are not focused on a single event. They can also be
extended to discussions about natural disasters or other tragic events.
I searched the internet yesterday and once again discovered several
amazing, helpful sites. Here are a few of the ones I found interesting
and easy to understand.
Discussing war and peace
http://www.ces.purdue.edu/purplewagon/
This is the home page. The “Parents” and “FAQ” links are great places
to get started. Under the Parents link, the following link takes you to a
wonderful list of activities and fact sheets:
www.ces.purdue.edu/purplewagon/PARENTS/ADDTLresources_Parents.htm
Helping children cope with a disaster
http://web.extension.uiuc.edu/disaster/facts/kidcope.html
Talking with kids about news
http://www.pbs.org/parents/talkingwithkids/news/agebyage_4.html
Here is a brief summary of the top tips:
- Make time to comfort and reassure your children.
- Vary your approach to the discussions according to the child’s age.
For example, younger children don’t need as much detail, and should
not be exposed to a lot of the visual news coverage. Older children
may want to find ways to take action. - Have a “Plan B” when conversation alone doesn’t hit the mark to help a child
make sense of a disaster. Try creative ways to get out feelings and
fears, such as drawing or acting. Observe how younger kids are
playing. Use those opportunities to then comment further about the
events. - Realize that the older a child is, the more they will consult and
believe the buzz from their peers, so ask, “What are your friends
saying about this event?” and listen in. You can always offer to show
them (and their friends) some facts about what happened.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: Communication, Social/Cultural
Your turn: What topic areas or skills give you an anchor in your
stepfamily? Leave a comment at the end of this post.
In the early years of developing a relationship with my stepdaughter
Brittany, a youngster named Shayla played an important role. Shayla
was an intelligent, curious, and playful individual on my side of the
family. She enjoyed playing games and going for walks, not to
mention chewing on bones.
Shayla was my Australian Cattledog.
Brittany, then eight, had only owned a cat. She was fascinated by my
stocky, black-and-tan canine who provided many hours of
entertainment both inside and outside the house. I can see why they
enjoyed each other – both were as sharp as the Vermont white
cheddar they munched for snacks and reward treats.
I found it such a gift that Brit and I both enjoyed animals because that
gave us something in common to break the relationship ice.
In a stepfamily, finding common ground can be a puzzle.
First of all, the ages of your children can affect productive
communication (too young or too “cool”). Also, if the kids are
traveling between two homes, you miss the time and exposure
advantage that occurs when they live with you full time. Or, maybe
you just haven’t been a stepfamily long enough to feel comfortable
trying a one-on-one relationship.
The bottom line is that finding common ground with your stepchildren
is a crucial step to having some kind of one-on-one relationship; one
that stands without a third party or spouse as an intermediary. And
whatever time it takes to build that relationship is really okay, as long
as you’re consciously putting in the effort.
Start with the status quo. Let your stepchildren become accustomed
to the rhythms and routines of their new lives. Look to them for cues
about when and how to contribute what you know, as opposed to
forcing your hand. Is your stepdaughter coming to you with
questions? What are the questions about? What can you offer that’s
helpful yet not intrusive?
Possible topic areas include:
- School: How would she feel if you volunteer? If it’s not cool or
even possible to be in the classroom, you can still help with
general school needs, such as newsletter mailings or media
center/library volunteer. - Sports and hobbies: Do you have a specialty, especially one
neither of her parents could claim; one that lines up with her
interests? For example, a sport, a fine art, a craft, a foreign
language, a scientific mind, or a domestic interest like cooking? - Spiritual beliefs: Do you share the same faith? Can you attend
any faith-based programs together? - Recreation: Notice what she does when she hangs out – does
she read? Play games? Listen to music? Spend time on the
computer? Do you have anything in common?
Looking back, Shayla’s care and obedience training was one topic with
which I felt completely secure; something I knew well and could
contribute to the new family. Luckily, Brittany was interested. If you
don’t have anything in common with your new family members, let life
simmer along. Eventually you’ll cook up something to share.
What topics or skills give you anchor in your stepfamily? Leave a
comment below.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: Communication, Relationships, Stepparenting
Dorothy said it best during her time travel from Oz: “There’s no place
like home.”
A recent vacation to New York City, where I grew up, was such a
relaxing and rejuvenating experience that it sparked me to think about
the significance of home. Home may be where you actually grew up.
Or, it may be another place or even a group of people you strongly
identify with.
As I write my book about stepparenting grieving children, I wonder,
“What is home to a child who’s lost her parent or parents?”
I’m also reminded of a colleague, Rebecah Propst, who lost her
memories of everything that made up her life prior to age 47. What is
home to her?
On my trip to NYC, I saw many people and places that are part of my
roots. I didn’t expect that these connections would help me feel more
grounded, more secure, and more loved the way that they did. After
all, when I was growing up, I didn’t appreciate my home this way.
Like most of us as young adults, I couldn’t wait to move away from
home and have bold, new adventures all my own.
How then do we and can we create a sense of home for our children
and stepchildren?
Some highlights emerge from my recent experience:
- Keep in touch with your extended family, assuming they are
anywhere in the realm of healthy. Create opportunities for your
children to get a glimpse of their lives and to listen to some of
their stories. We’ve always told my daughter Amy about the
uncle who, in his finest Brooklyn accent, calls bad drivers
“bananas” or “pineapples.” She met him in person this summer. - Take your kids to where you grew up. Tell them about some
significant milestones in your life (age-appropriate please) and
then back up your stories with visual cues. “Here’s where I
swam for the Flushing YMCA.” “Here’s my old elementary school
– how do you think it compares to yours?” “Let’s eat ice cream
at the old Carvel shop.” “I had my first kiss in this park.” If the
kids don’t act interested now, they just might remember these
nuggets later on. - Encourage the relationships your kids have with any positive
individual or community of people – any of these could later
represent “home.” - Give it time. We process home differently through every age and
stage of our lives.
And a few special tips for stepfamilies:
- Be sensitive to both emotional and material treasures that might
represent home to your stepkids – for example, a special
anniversary date, or a hand-sewn blanket. My stepchildren’s
mother passed away from breast cancer. Over the years I’ve
realized how important it is to allow them any connection to that
part of their home. - Honor the first family while building your stepfamily. When my
stepkids were young, we made sure to visit their mom’s home
town, where they could kick around with relatives from that side
of the family. We did also make a pilgrimage to New York City
and introduced them to a few of my special people and places.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: Identity, Relationships, Stepparenting
Today’s post is in response to comments about the dramatic
differences between raising boys and raising girls. Why do tears,
raised voices, and sudden mood changes occur more often with girls?
“For many of us, understanding girls is like trying to fathom aliens who
just got off the ship from outer space….We misunderstand who girls
are because the dominant culture disregards their uniqueness by
expecting females to behave like males.”
— Don and Jeanne Elium, authors of Raising a Daughter
The Eliums maintain that most girls view the world in terms of
relationships as opposed to boys who focus on conquest and
independence. So there’s a fundamental difference for Dads in
particular to contemplate – the girls are just not going to act like the
boys. Get used to it.
We then have to re-scope how we view our girls, and evaluate the
messages we give them about which behaviors are acceptable and
unacceptable.
Let me be very clear to say that this does not mean we can’t
encourage our daughters to excel at math and science, or to become a
class leader. If that’s what they want, they will manifest their desires
with your help. What I’m suggesting is that if your daughter
consistently doesn’t fit your view of how she should act, maybe she’s
sending you a message about who she really is.
A lot of the drama from girls comes, I believe, from the complexity of
relationship issues whirling through their brains. Is our relationship
good? Is it fair? Who am I within the relationship? What must I do to
maintain connection with the relationship?
At ages up until about twelve, they are desperate to be in relationship
with parents. They are worried that their actions might not be worthy
of a parent’s love. As they march on towards adolescence, they
mostly want to invite love from their peers.
Part of the drama also comes from a battle between who the girl really
is (true self) and the person they think will attract parent’s or peer’s
love and acceptance (false self). I’m sure we’ll be talking about this
split in future conversations.
Raising a Daughter states, “The problem with girls becomes clearer
and easier to live with when we look at their behaviors from the
understanding that they need to make or maintain connection while
developing an individual self; that they seek ways to care for and be
cared about; and that these ways may at times be immature and
counterproductive.”
So perhaps instead of saying “Alas, the drama continues,” we have to
instead say, “Ayyy, my daughter is female, alive and well!”
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: Identity, Social/Cultural
Unless you relish the blow-your-stack feeling of rising blood pressure,
One-Two-Three Magic could be for you. This discipline trick with the
preschool or elementary-aged child in your life just might make your
days a little bit easier.
I thank Dr. Jeffrey Glasser for passing this my way. He claims you can
use this system effectively for children up until about age 12.
When Amy, my youngest, was three, the word “no” in its various
forms was still quite a large part of her vocabulary. Her twos were
more the Tentative Twos than the Terrible Twos. Now we needed new
strategies – to motivate her to pick up toys, to head up to bed, to
share during a play date…or when mama and daddy want three
minutes to ourselves. (Okay, just kidding).
One-Two-Three Magic is a visual and verbal countdown to Time Out.
The magic comes when you use the system calmly, consistently, and
without compromise. A raised voice lets the child know you’re upset
and also gives her attention…she knows she can get a rise out of you.
Threatening Time Out without following through weakens the magic;
your kid won’t take you seriously.
You can explain to your child that you are going to use this warning
system when they are not cooperating. The sell? Your one-two-three
counting gives them time to stop a behavior before they go into Time
Out. (The sell will come in handy for your older children, the more
concrete thinkers.)
So you’ve asked nicely twice, and the undesirable behavior continues.
Hold up your index finger and CALMLY say, “That’s one.” Wait about
three to five seconds, finger still in the air, to see if there’s any change
in behavior. If not, hold up two fingers and say, “That’s two.” Wait
five more seconds and hold up three fingers, saying “That’s three.”
Upon three, you need to move your child into a Time Out place that is
free from stimulation of almost any kind. No TV, no toys, no
conversation. The child can be on the floor, chair, couch, or wherever
they feel safe. In your home, let them pick a place you can approve.
Outside of your home (for example in the grocery store), you’ll
probably have to think on your feet (can you leave a fussing child
between the cucumbers and the broccoli for three minutes?).
How do you get them to go into Time Out? Tell them that if they go
willingly without complaint, they stay in Time Out for three minutes
(measure this with some short distance between your two hands in the
air). If they go kicking and screaming and you have to carry them,
they go in for ten minutes (greatly increase the visible distance
between your two hands). Repeat: Willingly, three minutes (small
space between hands), unwillingly, ten minutes (let child watch space
between hands grow).
We used One-Two-Three Magic regularly for a few years, and then we
tapered off when our first grader seemed to be cooperating more
consistently. I thought we were done; that the magic would last
through the years.
When an attitude resurfaced during second grade, I was distraught. I
was arguing with Amy, raising my voice and not getting the results I
wanted. I had forgotten about One-Two-Three Magic, and wasn’t it for
younger kids anyway? Dr. Jeff reassured me that it was going to work
just as well for my seven through twelve-year-old as it had for my
three, four and five-year-old.
Amy, on the other hand, had a different opinion. When I picked my
eight-year-old up from school one day, she announced, “Isabel and I
have decided that Time Out is for babies.”
“I hear you, honey. We’re going to keep using it until you stop talking
back.”
“But Mom,” (raising voice), “it IS for babies and everyone says so!”
“Amy, that’s one….”
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: Discipline, Preschool/Elementary, Preschool/Elementary Discipline