Today I want to share with you two great resources to aid your
parenting or stepparenting efforts.
First, check out this organization I’ve just learned about called
The Mother Daughter Project: a community of women and girls
dedicated to discovering and sharing ways mothers and daughters can
stay close and thrive together through adolescence and beyond. The
small group settings recommended by the project help challenge the
common expectation of mother-daughter separation.
The website provides the project background and offers ideas to help
you form your own Mother Daughter Project group. I’m looking into
this for myself and my daughter. Expect more posts about this project
in the future.
Secondly, I would like to recommend the Successful Stepfamilies
ministry for stepparents and stepfamilies. This organization empowers
remarried couples and stepfamilies for successful family living and
equips churches to minister to stepcouples.
Successful Stepfamilies is hosting a conference in early November. I
have witnessed Founder and President Ron Deal inform and entertain
an audience. He exudes a passion for stepfamilies that is contagious,
and he encourages his audiences by telling them what they’re doing
right.
“Building A Successful Stepfamily” Conference
November 7-8, 2008
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Host & Location: Woodman Valley Chapel
You can print or download the conference brochure and registration form here.
For registration information contact the Mosaic ministry at 719-388-
4986 or email WVC-MOSAICMinistry@woodmenvalley.org.
To register online, click here.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.
I like to think of myself as a compassionate person, but sometimes my
compassion allowance runs low. I become too tired or too wrapped up
in my own work and life issues to show compassion to my kids. That’s
when I lose sight of what I call “the good.”
Before my stepchildren became young adults, we lived together full
time. As is common with stepfamilies, the relationship tension was a
little edgier a little more often than I notice now that we don’t live
together under one roof.
During times when my end of the rope came undone, I think my
stepkids often shouldered the impact. When I unraveled, I became
humorless and controlling. Never insulting, I hope, but certainly
autocratic.
What I could have used then is some fabulous tool to help me
reconnect with the good in the kids. A tool, for example, like one I
found just recently.
Its fancy name is: “naming the positive intent* in your child’s
behavior.” What is the positive possibility laying within the immature
behavior you find so irritating? If you could shoot ahead 25 years,
what life skill would have grown out of your stepchild’s current
actions?
In Raising a Daughter (yes, I’m mentioning this great book again),
authors Jeanne and Don Elium put together a chart of some immature
behaviors and their possible mature form. Here are a handful of
examples:
Immature Form Possible Mature Form (Positive Intent)
temper tantrums self-assertion
whining compassion
pouting thoughtfulness
laziness rich inner life
stinginess conservation
aloofness independence
bossiness leadership abilities
pickiness discernment
giddiness zest for life
moodiness inner searching
secretive ways healthy privacy and boundaries
conformist team player
So, the trick is to be able to name the positive intent beneath the
immature behaviors. Think of this as a puzzle to work on; a challenge
to conquer. One way to start the puzzle is to name the behavior (for
example, talking back) and then think about what it could blossom into
when she is older (boldness, willingness to speak her mind).
The Eliums also offer examples of autocratic responses to a child’s statement,
followed by responses based on the positive intent. Here are a few to consider:
Child: I don’t want to clean up my room.
You (autocratic): You march in there right now, young lady, and don’t
come out until it’s finished.
You (positive intent): You hate it when I tell you what to do. You want
to do things your way.
(Does the positive intent mean the child gets away without cleaning
the room? No. But it gives you a more communicative entry point by
recognizing that the kid is not just a walking problem – she’s a
person.)
Child: I’m never sitting by Lila at lunch again!
You (autocratic): It’s not nice to say things like that about your
friends.
You (positive intent): It sounds like Lila might have annoyed or hurt
you. Let’s talk about it.
Recognizing the positive intent won’t happen overnight, but it certainly
is a step toward helping us refocus on the person instead of on the
problem behavior. As I’ve said before, humanity breeds humanity.
Maybe a little positive intent from you will help your stepchildren see
you as a person too.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.
*In Raising a Daughter, Jeanne and Don Elium footnote Positive Intent
as a phrase used by Vernon Woolf, PhD, in an “Unfolding Potential”
seminar, San Rafael, CA, 17 – 19 Aug. 1990.
Tags: Communication, Stepparenting
In rare form today, I’m stating my conclusion first:
I don’t think there is any one right time or age for your daughter to
get the first holes in her precious earlobes. However, these
considerations and stories might help you make or refine your plan
about what is probably the most common request from daughters in
elementary school.
Several factors affect the decision about ear piercing. For example:
- What is your cultural background? Many Latinas, for example, get
their ears pierced when they are babies. - How much are you willing to be involved with the pierced ear care
and cleaning rituals? The younger your child is, the more you’ll be
involved (see my story about Brittany below). - Do you see ear piercing as a given or as a privilege? In other words,
will you take your daughter for ear piercing for tradition’s or fashion’s
sake, or will you give ear piercing as a reward for some other behavior
you’d like to see?
My stepdaughter Brittany, at seven, begged to get her ears pierced.
New in the role of stepmom and anxious to bond with her, we did a
girls’ outing at which I got my second holes while she braved the little
gun to get her first. Since we both had to clean and turn, we either did
it together or I was checking in a lot and she was keeping up.
She was doing so well that I lost the continuity of checking her little
ears for a few weeks. One horrific day I discovered that her skin had
grown over the backs of her earrings. She had not been turning them,
and they burrowed like leeches into her earlobes. I don’t think I’ll
forget extracting the metal from her swollen skin amidst her searing
screams of pain.
So one quick lesson about ear piercing is that if your daughter is not
yet managing her own hygiene in general, it is unlikely she will
properly or consistently manage cleaning and turning without help. If
you’re not available to keep up with these tasks, then don’t pierce yet.
I can also share a few milestone-type approaches I’ve heard from
other moms:
- When she can wash and dry her own hair on a regular basis, it will
show she’s ready to self-manage her ears. - We can talk about ear piercing when she’s able to keep her own
room clean and picked up. (Just an observation: Brittany did not get
to this point until she was about 19, and she’s relatively neat! That’s
my only frame of reference on this matter) - When she’s a teenager she can decide if she wants to have pierced
ears or not.
When did you, or did you ever, get your ears pierced? I was 14. I
grew up on a swim club and was in the water so much that my
swimming friends and I didn’t have pierced ears at the top of our wish
lists. (A new Lycra swimsuit was way more important at the time.)
Brittany, by the way, got her ears re-pierced when she was nine going
on ten. She was determined to have it work this time, and I was
extremely attentive, so that was a no-fail combination.
It’s inevitable that your daughter is going to ask about pierced ears at
some point. What are you going to say, and why?
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.
Several readers who know me wanted the history of Mama J. You
asked, I’m telling.
My daughter Amy’s middle name begins with a J. Somewhere along
the way, when Amy was about three, I started calling her Amy J for a
nickname. She actually didn’t like it at first, but by the time she was
between four and five she wanted me to say Amy J. She called me
Mama at that time (which has now evolved to Mom).
Whenever I would see her after a longer period of being apart, I would
exclaim “Amy J!” in the enthusiastic, high-pitched voice many kids love.
One day, to my surprise, she exclaimed back, “Mama J!” in the same
excited squeal. I cracked up with delight, and thus began the family
custom of Amy J and Mama J (which has now evolved to Mommy J).
Then, to heighten the alphabetical hilarity, my husband Brian became
Daddy O. So his blog, if he had one, could be Daddy O’s Jazz Beat or
some such. He leaves the parenting material to me.
What are some of your treasured family customs?
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: About
(And Then What Happened When I Was)
In my very first post on this blog, I mentioned that I have a big,
beating heart for kids. Before I even had kids I signed up to be a
mentor to ten-year-old girl who was classified by my mentoring
organization as “at-risk.”
I never really found out what the “at-risk” was all about. Sadie (not
her real name) didn’t feel like she could spill her guts with me because
she saw me as “too perfect.”
I’ll never forget her speech. “You have the perfect car. You live in a
perfect house in a perfect neighborhood. You have the perfect
husband. [whom I am no longer married to – Sadie, where are you
now?] You have the perfect job. I could never be like you.”
Me, back to her. “No, Sadie, you don’t have to be like me. I don’t
want you to be like me. I’m just supposed to be a positive influence in
your life…not something you have to copy.”
OR
“Sadie, I’ve worked really hard to earn these things. They weren’t
handed to me. I moved from California to afford a house. I’m
committed to my career.” (Which only lasted five more years until the
stress made me physically ill – Sadie, where are you now?)
I don’t know if the things I said ever stuck. Still, we had some fun
times. After a while, her mother got remarried and had a baby. Sadie loved
her little sister, things improved for her at home, and the need for a
mentor fizzled away.
I really wasn’t trying to be perfect then. I am not a perfectionist by
nature.
So why, when I got remarried and had stepchildren, did I suddenly
want to be perfect? The kids’ mom died and I took on a mission to be
the great female role model. (one they didn’t really want, by the way).
And I thought that the great female role model should have some
model kids, so I likely projected my need for perfection onto them.
I don’t have a lot of answers for why I behaved this way. My best stab
is that it had something to do with providing control in an atmosphere
where a lot of things were probably out of control. Kids grieving their
mom, a lack of family structure, the pressure of relatives who “knew
better….” I drank a lot more wine in those days.
I don’t think I ever once let on to those kids that I was having a hard
time or that I didn’t know how to proceed. A little humility could have
gone a very, very long way toward building relationships I was trying
to force instead.
So I entreat any of you who are stepparents (and this can apply to
parents too): “Watch” yourself in action with your family members.
Do you show a full spectrum of emotions? Do you sometimes admit
that you don’t have it all together?
My experiences show me that kids need to see we’re human.
Humanity breeds humanity. You may have to dip a toe in the water
first, but that action might encourage another family member to do a
full bob, and the third to dive right in.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: Relationships, Stepparenting
Have you ever been caught off guard when your daughter,
stepdaughter, or granddaughter is suddenly paralyzed to move
forward because she’s afraid of some horrible outcome?
For example, she contracts a huge belly ache that will prevent her
from going to school on the day that she has to give an oral
presentation. Or, she won’t tell her friend that her feelings have been
hurt because she might lose her as a friend forever. Or, she won’t play
soccer on Saturday because at practice her teammates were teasing
her about her running style.
I’d like to share a little verbal comeback that helps diffuse the
potential magnitude of the outcome in these types of stressful (and
dramatic) situations. Simply offer, “What’s the worst that could
happen?” And then, no matter what her response is, say “And then
what would you do?” After the next statement of doom, say again,
“And then what?” Play out the situation until some of the worst fears
have been expressed and addressed. If nothing else, this technique
helps girls take a highly charged situation back down to the realm of
normal, healthy fears.
Let’s play out one of the above situations. Here comes Dana on
Wednesday morning, clutching her stomach and saying she can’t go to
school today. You happen to know she is supposed to demonstrate
her science experiment today.
Mom: Are you worried about your science presentation today?
Sometimes when I’m worried I feel it in my stomach.
Dana: No, mom, my stomach really hurts.
Mom: Let’s just talk about the presentation for a minute. What’s the
worst that could happen during your demonstration?
Dana: I’d forget what I was going to say and make a total fool of
myself!
Mom: And then what would you do?
Dana: I’d want to crawl under my desk.
Mom: But what do you think you’d really do?
Dana: I’d look at my note cards and there’d be a huge silence.
Mom: (focusing on facts) I bet it helps to have those note cards.
What would you do after you looked at them?
Dana: Continue, but everyone would be looking at me.
Mom: And then what?
Dana: Well, I could probably just finish from there. It’s a short
experiment.
Mom: Sounds like you have a good backup plan with those note cards.
Dana: Yeah. I just don’t like it when I have a big pause in my
demonstration. I guess I would have everyone’s attention though.
Does Dana go to school that day? I don’t know, that part’s up to you!
I would give my daughter the encouragement to get going.
I’ve tried this “worst that can happen” technique from time to time
with our kids, with pretty good results. If your young lady has a sense
of humor, you can get some pretty funny “worsts” going on.
By the way, you might wonder if I know that these strategies can
backfire. Your conversation might take a nose dive with several “I
don’t knows,” or the “worst” might be worse than the original dilemma.
But backfiring is probably the worst that could happen. And then what?
Try again.
Feel free to share some backfires and successes with us all.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: Communication, Tweens/Teens
My daughter was in a first and second-grade loop, which means she kept the same teacher and classmates for two years. When that second grade class was split evenly into thirds, headed for three different third grades, Amy lost the company of one of her close friends.
“She’ll become closest friends with someone else,” Amy wailed when she saw the class lists.
It was her biggest and only fear going into third grade. And, she was right, in a sense. For the first six weeks of school, that girl would not play with Amy at recess and buddied up with a new friend in her class, all of which is really quite normal when starting a new grade with new kids and a new teacher.
Girlfriends in transition is not new to elementary school. I remember a group of four girls in my school. Carla and I were inseparable in fourth grade, while Audrey was new to the school and Kris was more of an observer. In fifth grade, Kris and I were practically in love, while Audrey and Carla spent a lot of time together. Then Kris and Audrey paired up and Kris barely spoke to me by seventh grade (and yes, my heart was broken.) I had to find other friends by then.
So what do we do when the girls in our lives are troubled by friends who are not acting like friends? To gather some input, I turned to one of my reliable sources — author Judy Blume. She was one of my favorite youth authors. (Remember Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret?)
I was thrilled and nostalgic when Judy Blume started writing books for parents, one of which is called Letters to Judy, What Kids Wish They Could Tell You. Sometimes the problems are best stated from the points of view of the kids themselves. Here is an entry from Bonnie, age 10:
Dear Judy,
I’m going to be ten soon. I’m glad I’m writing to you
because I really have no one to talk to. I just lost my best friend.
Her name is Carolyn. We used to share secrets, play together and we even
had a club! But then Jennifer came along. Jennifer has a clique
with some other girls. Me and Carolyn made a vow never to be in that
clique because Jennifer, the leader of the pack, tells you what to
wear, what to eat, who to like and what labels to buy. But Carolyn
went with her anyway and now Carolyn doesn’t like me anymore.
I can’t talk to my mom about anything private or personal
because I’m too embarrassed.
Judy’s advice? “We can’t fight these fights for our kids, nor do they want us to. Sometimes, all we can do is recognize and acknowledge our kids’ pain and help them become more aware of other’s feelings.”
Well put. As our girls grow up through elementary school, let’s strive to be engaged listeners and then ask good questions so that girls can try to work out their own problems. I’m not saying that we would never intervene in their affairs. Sometimes interpersonal situations or bullying can get out of control.
But don’t you think that it’s best to first get them thinking for themselves?
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book, go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: Elementary School, Identity
A friend of mine and I were confiding in each other about what is apparently a bit of a taboo subject. We were discussing the ever-so-subtle differences in the love we feel for our children and the love we feel for our stepchildren or adopted children. We are blessed to have both kinds of relationships in our families.
She and I lowered our voices, as if we weren’t supposed to feel differences. We agreed that some other stepparents and adoptive parents don’t recognize any differences or won’t admit to such distinctions.
But I believe in honesty, and I can’t be honest with myself if I don’t examine what I feel. So what kind of love do I feel for my stepchildren?
Let me first say that it is not a better or worse kind of distinction. It is simply different. I have no doubt that I care for Brit and Ian deeply. With my daughter, however, I also feel a deep and constant two-way mirroring, me to her and her back to me. I can sense the power of our genetics down to the core of my soul. (And thus I will likely have a heck of a time when this eight-year-old separates from me down the road).
One way to look at this puzzle is through the descriptions of author C.S. Lewis’s Four Loves. I’m treading on somewhat shaky ground here in that I’ve only heard a summary of the book as opposed to actually reading the book myself. But with the help of a great teacher and internet resources, I believe I can accurately portray the four loves: Affection, friendship, romantic love, and charity or unconditional love.
Affection (in Greek, storge, pronounced store-gay) is fondness through familiarity, especially between family members or people who have otherwise found themselves gathered together by chance.
Friendship (in Greek, philia) is a strong bond existing between people who share a common interest or activity; stronger than mere companionship. Lewis says that friendship is the least natural of loves in that it is not biologically necessary to the natural act of creating, raising, and providing for children.
Romantic love (in Greek, Eros) is the feeling of being in love. The biggest danger with eros is elevating it to be the status of a god, as happens with blind devotion.
Caritas or Charity (in Greek, Agape) is an unconditional love directed toward one’s neighbor; one that brings forth caring regardless of circumstance. Devoting time and resources toward helping hurricane or tornado victims is an example of agape. Providing for our children is another example. Lewis cautions us to check that we do not flaunt — and thereby warp — this love.
We can eliminate romantic love with regard to children, in that eros only factors into their creation and not the day-to-day relationships. That leaves affection, friendship, and charity.
I can point to examples of all three kinds of love in my relationships with all of my children, step or non-step. But I think that since I had little to no familiarity with my stepchildren before I joined the family, my affection grew over a longer period of time. Overall, I feel as though my actions with my stepchildren are sometimes driven more from the place of charity than from the place of either affection or friendship. We just have a little less in common than I do with my daughter.
I know from my research for Stepparenting the Grieving Child that each new family relationship — whether a stepfamily bond, foster bond, adoptive bond, etc. — should be treated fresh from the start. There is no universal way that these loves could or should be, so the relationships need not be loaded with expectations. Whatever kind of love grows from your bonds is a gift and a blessing to both parties.
I would love to hear your insights on this topic! Please comment in the box below.
Tags: Christian Parenting, Identity, Stepparenting
Your turn: Inspire us with some ways you’ve found to talk about life issues with your tween/teen.
Time and time again I have heard parents say they think it’s more
important than ever to be available for their kids when they’re tweens
and teens. Having helped raise two to young adulthood, I have to
whole heartedly agree. My stepdaughter in particular would say that
she wished we had pushed into her teen life a little more than we did.
How else could she have known we were there for her?
This post is about talking to your kids…whether it’s about challenging
interpersonal situations at school, or about cigarettes, drugs, alcohol,
and sex. On one hand, you may feel as if your young lady doesn’t
reach out to you as much as she used to. That’s normal; she’s
starting to pay more attention to the world of her peers. But on the
other hand, research shows that parents and their opinions can still
have a major influence on a child’s decision-making processes. The Partnership for a Drug Free America claims that “kids who learn about drug risks from their parents are up to 50% less likely to use.”
So this post is about communication and prevention, not about
consequences. As one of The Partnership ads says, the talk doesn’t
have to be a “big production.” (Also remember our recent
conversation about 25 Words or Less!)
Here’s a quick summary of some ways to break the ice with these girl talks.
- Use fictional characters from books or movies to broach the topic at hand. For example, from the movie Juno, “What do you think of Juno’s decision to keep her baby and give it up for adoption?” During this discussion you can slip in your views on teenage pregnancy and adoption.
- Discuss your teen’s favorite celebrity’s recent behavior.
- If your daughter is into sports, chat about the impact of issues in that
world, for example steroid use by professional athletes. - Inevitably you will learn about friends or classmates who have made
poor decisions. Hopefully your daughter will come to you to talk about these situations, but if you know of one you can ask her what she thinks. - If you have a relative or close family friend who has either suffered consequences from a poor decision, talk about that person’s story. Depending on the situation, you may even encourage that person to chat with your daughter.
- Read “What If…” situation books with your daughter. Look for entries that correspond to the issues she’s facing.
Your turn: Inspire us with some ways you’ve found to talk about life issues with your tween/teen. Add your comments below.
Tags: Communication, Tweens/Teens
“Most people know that problems can arise with the sense of hearing and the sense of sight, but few people realize that problems can also arise with the sense of touch.” –Hardy Brain Training
As I’ve watched my daughter make the transition to third grade this fall, I’ve noticed that many, many of the girls her age are now wearing blue jeans most of the time. And yes, there are some really cute jeans out there for girls.
But Amy will only wear jeans on a rare occasion. Why? Because they just don’t feel good. Even those that are clearly the right size will rub and catch against her knees when she bends, or pull down too far in the back of the waist, or just fit too tightly.
And then there’s socks. The seams don’t lay right across the toes. The heart design that looks so cute on the outside rubs the legs on the inside. Shirts with elastic ribbing or applique designs are too scratchy. And so on.
Amy has told me, “Mom, I’m not a fashion girl. I’m a comfort girl.” I like her distinction. What she doesn’t realize is that there’s actually an explanation for her aversion to certain clothes.
Years back, my husband Brian and I had many discussions about clothes when my stepson was a child. He, too, could only wear the softest clothes, the least confining shoes (usually boots, even in the summer!), and no socks. Brian taught me about a condition called tactile sensitivity, or tactile defensiveness. It falls under the category of sensory processing disorders (SPD). The nervous systems of people with SPD interpret a tactile stimulus differently than that of those without the disorder.
If you are wondering whether or not your girl is affected by tactile sensitivity, take this quiz. I feel fortunate that at this point Amy only has slight tactile sensitivity, and it seems to only exhibit in the realm of apparel.
I’ve heard from other moms whose daughters have tactile sensitivity that they’ve grown out of it, and now wear a broader selection of clothes. Several reference websites, however, maintain that the only way to get through tactile sensitivity is occupational therapy. I think this is something you would have to consider based on the severity of the symptoms.
In the meantime, I don’t shop for pants or shoes for Amy without her present to try things on. I only mail order shirts from certain companies that use rich, soft cotton. And, honestly, I’ve struggled with assaults on my own sense of fashion when she picks a baggy pair of sweats to wear to school. I have to remind myself that it’s not my decision anyway.
If you have a girl who can wear a wide range of fabrics and styles, please let her know that not everyone has this luxury. A girl’s choice of clothing doesn’t always have to do with her fashion sense!
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book, go to www.dianefromme.com.