Guest Blogger: Jacquelyn B. Fletcher
Studies show that girls often exhibit more anxiety than boys do after a remarriage. This is an important fact for stepparents to keep in mind. While conducting interviews of stepmoms across the country, I was told more than once that stepmothers were concerned that instead of bonding over shared interests with their stepdaughters, they were in a competition for Dad’s attention and affection.
Girls, especially those who have been their father’s confidants, feel incredibly protective of their Dads. When a new stepmother enters the picture it can be scary for a daughter because she’s already lost time with him in a divorce. Now she must split the time she does get even further with a woman who is a relative stranger.
I know the feeling from both sides. I was a stepdaughter who felt jealous of my stepmother because I felt she was coming between my father and me. I am now a stepmother with two stepdaughters. And I have felt resentful of the time and attention they demanded from my new husband, especially in the early days of our marriage.
But there is an alternative to competition. Try practicing compassion with your stepdaughters and see what happens. E. Mavis Hetherington, the author of For Better or For Worse found that divorce often can be a powerful catalyst for personal growth for girls. We can help our stepdaughters become strong, emotionally intelligent women.
Here are some bonding techniques to try:
Give experiential gifts. Find out what your stepdaughter likes to do and do it together. Fifteen-year-old Bridget and her stepmother Jackie developed a close relationship by spending one-on-one time together. “Find something you both like to do together,” Bridget advises. “We both like coffee shops and movies.”
Avoid PDA. If your stepdaughters are adolescents this is particularly important. Keep the public displays of affection with their dad to a minimum because it makes a daughter feel uncomfortable.
Talk about difficult subjects. Try sitting down with your stepdaughter and telling her up front that you’re not there to take her father away from her. I did that early on with my stepdaughters and it helped because it allowed them to talk about their fears out loud.
Encourage friendship. Stepmothers are in the unique position of being a bit on the outside. Children often feel more comfortable talking to us about sensitive topics they wouldn’t bring up with a parent. Set aside the urge to parent her and become her friend instead.
Jacquelyn B. Fletcher is a stepmom of three kids, mom of one, and the author of A Career Girl’s Guide to Becoming a Stepmom (HarperCollins 2007). Find her blog at www.becomingastepmom.com.
Tags: Bonding, Stepdaughters, Stepmothers, Stepparenting, Teens
As my mother is aging she has moved closer by and I’m spending
more and more time with her. Something I’ve become sharply aware
of in recent years is that she’s one of my biggest fans.
Sometimes I don’t need this kind of validation, but who am I to deny a
little praise?
She frequently comments favorably on my parenting skills with young
daughter Amy. She admires how I can fix little things around her
house (like that dang smoke alarm). She tells Amy how smart I am
(regrettably coupled with the statement, “you must have gotten that
from your father.”). If I wear my hair in a way that’s not the usual
style, she notices and tells me it’s beautiful. And the list goes on.
She wasn’t always my biggest fan though. When I got to be around
nine or ten I got a little self conscious and felt occasional criticisms in a more
piercing way. And by the time I was fifteen or sixteen, the relationship
between us was downright difficult. I became stoic and she was so
beside herself that she told me she hated me.
I don’t fault her. It takes two to build a relationship and I was no
picnic back then – it was a miracle if she could get me to show any
emotion around her. I’ve raised one like this too (karma), and it can
be maddening.
My reflections here lead to my entreaty today: make a conscious
effort to be your daughter’s fan no matter what age and no matter
how hard the stage. It’s going to take hard work sometimes. Hard
work, just like any relationship (I’m thinking of marriage at the
moment!).
What will your daughter reap from your admiration? How about a
huge bucketful of self esteem? Even if she doesn’t admit it, a parent’s
admiration is a key component in her self-esteem mechanism. At my
church, we’ve talked about this concept as “the blessing.”
Studies show that a parent’s blessing provides a secure, emotional
launch pad for healthy independence. Without it, they have a rough
time letting go.
Ask yourself, “When is the last time I gave my daughter a
compliment?” “When’s the last time I told her I was proud of her?”
“Have I encouraged her to find something she’s proud of?” “Am I looking
for the positive intent (click Oct. 15 in my calendar) in her young (immature) behavior?”
If your daughter is critical of you, it’s tempting to match her behavior.
Rise above this baseline, find the good in her, and feed it back to her
even if in small doses. The returns will, over time, be bountiful.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: Communication, Elementary, Identity, Teens, Tweens
Guest Blogger: Lisa Stroyan of Empathic Parenting
We hear a lot about having expectations for our children – not just long term aspirations or dreams, but expectations that they will be kind and responsible; that they will pick up their toys and sit quietly at the dinner table.
Yet, somehow I always get stuck on the word “expectations”. Someone asked me what my problem with the word “expectations” is, and I wasn’t quite sure myself. I just had a niggling disconnect that I couldn’t identify whenever I heard it used, kind of like when you are searching for a word and everyone gives you one that is close, but just not quite what you are looking for; almost as if the energy around the word felt wrong to me. So, I looked it up.
| Main Entry: | expectation |
| Part of Speech: | noun |
| Definition: | anticipation |
| Synonyms: | apprehension, assumption, assurance, belief, calculation, chance, confidence, conjecture, design, expectancy, fear, forecast, hope, intention, likelihood, looking forward, motive, notion, outlook, possibility, prediction, presumption, probability, promise, prospect, reliance, supposition, surmise, suspense, trust, view |
Several of these definitions have connotations which don’t feel right to me in the context of parenting, and they are the ones that make the word bother me – apprehension, assumption, presumption, and fear. Yet these are exactly where I often see myself and other parents go when we hold expectations of children.
When the child doesn’t meet our expectations – doesn’t cooperate with toy cleanup efforts or doesn’t sit quietly at dinner (or worse, plays with food or runs around yelling like a banshee), we sometimes assume there is something wrong with them or with us as parents. Then the fear sets in, and often our expectations turn into doubts and resentments rather than something that empowers our children to reach for their best. To be effective, expectations have to be in the present, not in the past or future.
Furthermore, expectations tend to be interpreted as static, whereas I see them as fluid and situational. Which expectations a child will be able to meet depend on the child’s age, state of mind and health, etc.
Lastly, often expectations have a societal meaning that carries an assumption of “right and wrong” rather than what is effective for a given family. There are even expectations placed on the parent’s expectations.
However, the positives are in this definition too – belief, confidence, hope, intention, and trust. How can we combine these with a strong view of what we want from children? Aspirations comes close for me, but seem too far in the future.
I also found quite a few quotes about expectation:
“Anger always comes from frustrated expectations” – Elliott Larson
“Keep high aspirations, moderate expectations, and small needs”– William Howard Stein
“We love to expect, and when expectation is either disappointed or gratified, we want to be again expecting.” – Samuel Johnson
“High achievement always takes place in the framework of high expectation.” – Charles F. Kettering
“It is generally known, that he who expects much will be often disappointed; yet disappointment seldom cures us of expectation, or has any effect other than that of producing a moral sentence or peevish exclamation” – Samuel Johnson
“The greatest loss of time is delay and expectation, which depend upon the future. We let go the present, which we have in our power, and look forward to that which depends upon chance, and so relinquish a certainty for an uncertainty.” – Seneca (Roman philosopher, mid-1st century AD)
“Life is so constructed, that the event does not, cannot, will not, match the expectation” – Charlotte Bronte
“Hope is a desire with an expectation of accomplishment.” – Unknown
And then of course, my long-time and oft-quoted favorite:
“Expectations are resentments under construction.”
In short, expectations can generate fear, doubt, and guilt if they are incorrectly used (like any other parenting concept, I suppose). Personally, I would rather choose something that empowers both myself and my child.
What I am looking for is a word that conveys a concept that Wayne Dyer talks about a lot (perhaps he uses a word that I’ve not ‘caught’ yet?), where one can simultaneously hold a view and expectation of what is wanted, while also trusting and believing that it is on it’s way and that the current moment is exactly as it is supposed to be. (If anyone comes up with such a word, please let me know!)
Until then, I’ll continue to have expectations, but I’m going to make sure they are helpful ones. There are enough “should’s” in life without having to heap on some more.
[ This is a repost of an entry from my Empathic Parenting Blog. Many thanks to Diane for offering to let me share it here. If you have comments, I would love to hear them on either blog! ]
Lisa Stroyan, Empathic Parenting
I have three kids, not including me. The two older ones, from my first marriage, aren’t children anymore. Both are in college at CSU (Colorado State University). They are eighteen months apart in age – not that I’m recommending that option. Then there is Amy, who calls her mom, “Mama J.” She’s nine.
When I got out of college, I got a chance to move to California and work for a great company in a beautiful part of the world. My wife wanted to have children, mostly because her sister was having hers. Only later would I figure out there was more to this plan than that. For me, starting a family at twenty-four was a challenge. I always loved my children completely, but I was young, immature and unclear about whom I was to become. Unfortunately, there were no pre-requisites to becoming a father.
So, I dove into it. I found the early years a strain on my patience. The kids were amazing young people, but I always felt that so much of my time went into tasks to support them, and of course it did. It was only later that I figured out that I am a social butterfly that needs a healthy dose of adult interaction.
Just as important, I found my attention toward my kids split. It seemed hard for me to do things with both of them, because they always found ways to compete and fight over play things and attention. It was always too easy for me to reach my boiling point. I was able to realize that this was my problem and that I should basically keep it to myself. By that, I mean that I felt it wasn’t right to loose my temper, even though I was at that point so much of the time.
Besides my issues, I can now say that some good tools would have really helped me to deal with the challenges of splitting attention between two children of comparable ages.
Now I am… (how shall I say it?) older. Thankfully I have learned a lot from my first trip through parenting. And now there’s Amy. The first comment I can make is that it is just SO MUCH EASIER having one child. Oh my goodness.
One example that comes to mind is age-appropriate behavior. You know when your child sings a new song twenty times? It’s not inappropriate until about the twentieth time, I think. Still, I wouldn’t have minded if she stopped at the third or fourth.
Now that I have such a different perspective, I really don’t get frustrated by this. Rather, I see it as an opportunity to explore what she is experiencing. But, a big difference is that she doesn’t have a sibling that is picking on her, or teasing her, or bighting her – where a physical fight is a likely outcome.
What’s it all mean? Well, I must say that I don’t see myself as much of an advisor on parenting. Student, perhaps. But I can say that it is just way more achievable for me to focus on one child at a time. For me, this is a matter of focus. I find that I do this even with my older children. Lunch with each separately is much more productive for learning about whom they are and how I can help than a combined event.
And for the younger parent that doesn’t have a choice? I have two suggestions. One is to learn how to be patient as soon as you can. When I got past the “I don’t like this” and got into the “how can I get involved in this?” I felt so much better (and was probably a better parent). The other is to be open to parenting tools. If I had known to focus on each child at times, I think that would have helped me and my kids more.
Oh, good mediation techniques don’t hurt either 😉
Peace,
Brian
When Amy was about three or four (she’s now nine) I thought of
starting a website called Mama Jo’s Travel Tips. I had a fantasy that
Amy and I would travel the country and post reviews on the activities
we did and the places we stayed.
Of course, that would have required unlimited time and budget, or at
least would have forced me to think about how to make income while
we were on the road. I couldn’t get that business model together.
So what you’re reading today is a spin-off of that original idea. From
time to time I’ll post a little review of a trip I think is fun for children,
and here is my first suggestion.
I would highly consider traveling with children four and older (up
through teens) to any recommended all-inclusive resort in the Riviera
Maya area of Mexico. Examples: Iberostar chain, Barceló chain, Riu
chain. Check www.tripadvisor.com for recommendations.
BLISSFUL BENEFITS
- Absolutely beautiful. Lots of white sand and clear, teal waters.
Well-manicured grounds. - Most resorts have several pools; some have water parks for younger
children or a children’s pool where they can play and meet other kids. - Resorts run scheduled activities all day long. Teens can buddy up
and attend some of these across the pool from you without you having
to worry about their safety. - You don’t have to make a lot of decisions about food. Main meals
are served via buffets, with a lot of choices. Resorts offer some
specialty restaurants as well, which is a nice “by reservation” outing
with older children. - Most resorts include a kids club (drop off your child for an hour or a
day) and non-motorized water sports (snorkeling, windsurfing,
paddleboats) in your package. This gives your family many options of
things to do during the day. Our family has found the kids clubs to be
reliable and safe. - Most resorts offer a shopping area, and/or a shuttle to Playa del
Carmen or Cancun for an “in-town” shopping experience. - Almost all resorts have nightly shows and entertainment, though
some are too loud or garish for the younger children. - If you do have the hankering to get off campus, tour companies
keep regular hours in the lobby. You can book anything from a canopy
tour to an ATV tour to a day at the pyramids or an ecological park. - You can meet American and international families fairly easily, as
you see many of the same families out walking or in the pools and
buffets. - You can get really good discounts after Spring Breakers leave the
area, roughly mid-April through November (see hurricane season
notes below).
(Honestly, I could go on but I’ll stop there.)
CAUTIONARY CONSIDERATIONS
- Hurricane season: July through October. Your call. Hurricane
Wilma, Category 3, whipped through this area in October of 2005. - Mosquitoes can be bothersome. Bring a strong bug repellant…you
may not use it but you have it if the critters enjoyed a strong breeding
season. - Sunburns. Rash guard swim suits and hats can greatly extend the
amount of time your children can play in the sun without suffering. - Unlimited alcohol. If your teen looks old enough to be eighteen by
Mexican standards, they might get away with being served by the
bartenders. Request the no-alcohol bracelet at check-in if this
concerns you, and keep tabs on your teen. - Water is the center of attention. If you or the majority of people in
your family doesn’t enjoy the water, you may not enjoy this type of
vacation. - Service can vary and the culture is not one that’s in a hurry. A
problem may take several hours to solve. Most resort staff are
friendly, but some seem blasé about their jobs.
I have a hard time finding other things not to like about this area. In
fact, I’m headed down this coming week on an incentive trip I earned
with the CETUSA student exchange organization. Enjoy some guest
blog posts next week while I dream up new blog entries in a hammock
by the beach.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.
I think I picked up this term, zigzag evolution, from Patricia
Papernow’s foundational book, Becoming a Stepfamily. The meat of
this concept is that stepfamilies do not evolve in a straight, predictable,
line. Rather, they zigzag, more along the lines of the one-step-
forward, two-steps-back analogy.
While it’s true that all families zigzag to some extent, stepfamilies
typically have more obstacles to their evolution: a shorter history
together, less “instant” (unconditional) love, and the challenge of
merging cultures and traditions.
Zigzag evolution explains why it’s so important not to judge the
success of your stepfamily on a short-term basis. What looks like
progress one season might reverse itself during another season.
(See last week’s related post about Funky Phases.)
Here are some examples of zigzagging, either from my own experience
or the experiences of stepparents I’ve interviewed:
A fourth-grade stepdaughter holds her stepmom’s hand (a first)
several times during summer vacation, but then doesn’t show any
physical contact that fall when stepmom volunteers in her classroom at
school.
A stepdad to three girls suddenly becomes the only living father figure
when the girls’ father dies in an accident.
A teenaged boy who called his stepmom “mom” for seven years wakes
up one morning and starts calling her only by her first name from that
point forward.
A stepmom who has craved the love and attention of her stepchildren
for more than fifteen years finds herself retreating from them when
they, now in their twenties, start to show her that attention.
How do you deal with zigzag? Take these learning points to heart:
- Key milestones and anniversaries can subconsciously trigger
changes in behavior. - Not all stepfamily members move forward at the same rate.
- Keeping a steady vigil over how your stepfamily is doing actually
works against you. Try practicing a “from the blimp” view of your
family. If you were flying in a blimp over hundreds of households,
would your household stand out as the big, red “in trouble” household?
Or would it mostly look like the other households? - Talking to more parents about the issues they face with their kids
can help normalize a zig or a zag. Every time I’ve done this, I hear
that many issues with children are universal and not just limited to a
stepfamily setting. It provides a little relief to an overly conscientious
stepparent.
I’m just here to remind you (and myself) that you can’t force evolution.
The good news is that even a zigzag is, overall, moving forward, and
so will your stepfamily.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.
Don’t fret. Your college girls will search once more for connectedness
and roots. They just need a little time to spread their wings.
Even if you daughter never actually said, “I can’t wait to get out of this
house!” she probably thought it once or twice during the high school
years. And unless she’s either not attending college or attending a
community college, she has probably moved out of your house for at
least one year. (Most universities require the first year is spent either
at home with parents or at the university dorms.)
The departure for college, whether it’s down the street or across the
country, is a milestone for girls and their families. It’s an event
charged with emotions ranging from extreme excitement to fear to
hesitancy (student) and from relief to fear to sadness (parents).
If you are a parent experiencing sadness and struggle because your
baby is far away, you’re certainly not alone. It’s very easy to think that
the current state of affairs is forever – that your daughter will never
come back home. I definitely felt this way when we moved our oldest,
the first of our college students, into the university dorms. Little did I
know that she would live with us again not only that summer but the
second quarter of her sophomore year.
I hope you’ll feel encouraged by a smattering of facts and experiences
I’ve collected either from Internet resources, my own experience, or
the experiences of other families whose kids have gone through
college. The bottom line message? Being away from home transforms
your college-aged daughter but she still needs you and wants to be a
part of home as well.
At one highly-ranked state school, the freshman retention rate is about
77% for non-residents and 83% for residents. That means that about
25% of non-residents are finding other options for their second year –
either not continuing college, or transferring to a different school. The
first year of college is a wait-and-see process: Does my daughter click
with this system?
After a young woman has had a little taste of independence, she starts
missing the comforts of home. More privacy, home-cooked meals, or
nights out with trusted friends could all be on her list if desirable “at-
home” pleasures.
Similarly, if given a little time to feel her oats, many daughters
suddenly start worrying more about their parents. Watch the tables
turn as your daughter calls you more than she used to, or drives home
for the weekend more often.
Knowing what to expect always helps. The emotional cycle most first-
year-away students experience goes something like this:
First quarter: The honeymoon. Sheer excitement often overrides
nervousness. Students tend to move in packs. Dorm mentors offer a
good support network to prevent students from feeling isolated.
Second quarter: Reality sets in. Students isolate and differentiate a
little bit more. Exams loom large in the picture. Some students who
will eventually switch universities or colleges start to show the first
signs of discontent this early.
Holiday break: Most university dorms close and students will return
home for up to six weeks. Students re-connect with the group of
friends they were close with during the summer. This holiday break
can be a turning point in the first year. Students may become more
homesick after having been home. (But just as many can’t wait to get
back out on their own!)
Third quarter: This is often the “darkest” quarter of the school year.
Students have a hard time getting charged up about schoolwork. In
many places the weather prohibits spending much time outdoors,
which leads to some cabin fever symptoms. Care packages from
home can really help this quarter.
Fourth quarter: Year-end madness. Hearts are lighter. While early
Spring Break (March) may have already occurred, the later Spring
Break (April) beckons on the horizon. Your student rides a big wave
that moves fast and carries them to the end of the year. Many
students return home for the summer.
* * *
Don’t fret. Your college girls will search once more for connectedness
and roots. They just need a little time to spread their wings. I’m a
strong proponent of allowing kids (and even pushing them) to step
outside the safety net in order to grow. Be assured that they tend to
grow organically, and will still seek your light as a necessary element
in their lives.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: College, Firsts, Identity, Milestones, Social/Cultural
If we ride gracefully away from the election battlefield to view the
election from a higher hilltop, we may realize what an opportunity any
presidential election presents for the young women in our lives.
It’s an exciting time, one that provokes a lot of questions about who is
voting for whom and why. Elementary and middle-school kids will
likely side with their parents, while high school students might be
developing strong opinions of their own.
Girls as young as first or second grade can learn something significant
about the election process through history, and about the voting
process during an election year. Older children start to grasp the
fabric of the important issues at hand.
How can our girls learn more about the election and the candidates on
the Internet?
One computer teacher in the infamous town of Sleepy Hollow, New
York, decided that the existing kid-friendly election sites were tailored
for older kids – very busy, lots of visuals, and not so easy to navigate.
Terry Hongell decided to create Electing a President, a website that is
targeted for about the second-grade level.
She achieved her goal, in my opinion. This site has clear, specific
areas you and your kids can click on for more information, such as
Words to Help You (glossary), All About Electing a President (election
history), 270 to Win (electoral college/process), and Vote for President (kids
can vote! It’s virtually tied right now between Obama and McCain).
My eight-year-old was so excited that she could finally place her vote
and see it “count!”
For older kids, my favorite site so far is called Scholastic Election 2008.
Scholastic has taken a news-style approach to the election coverage.
Articles allow kids to meet the candidates, explore the issues, and
follow the campaign trail. Most of the articles are written by kids.
This site also offers a parent’s guide to the presidential elections,
where you and I can answer kids’ questions about the campaign and
find activities and resources to spark lively discussion.
Visit one of these sites and give your girls the chance to take a mini-
course about civics and government, explore election-related activities,
and express themselves through a vote. They’ll feel much more
connected to the election than they would by watching the
mudslinging on T.V.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: Add new tag, Elementary School, Social/Cultural, Teens, Tweens
Your Turn: Where do you turn when stepfamily dynamics have you in
a mood?
“…this angst brings me to what I call my ‘swing point:’ the point at
which my thoughts and feelings cross to the dark side.”
As much as I try to stay positive, every once in a while I go into a bit
of a funk about relationship dynamics in my stepfamily.
When I’m at this point, I tend to obsess over something a stepchild or
a relative is doing, such as speaking poorly of me without taking the
time to get to know me. Or, I might be stressing over something they
are “not doing,” such as not returning my calls or e-mails.
But underlying any of these fixations is my longstanding heartbreak
over not having a better relationship with my young-adult stepchildren
than I do. Sixteen years together and I don’t feel like I can call them
in love, discuss my feelings, and get a productive result.
I know I’m supposed to get all the cards out on the table. I know I’m
supposed to be the big girl, and make the first move. But for some
reason, I’m blocked up right now. I have to honor that and coach
myself to reach out yet again.
I firmly believe that it takes two to make relationships work. I look for
signs of their wanting a relationship. If there are none, I find it really,
really challenging to push. (But in the past have been accused of
“abandoning” because I didn’t push.)
All of this angst brings me to what I call my “swing point:” the point at
which my thoughts and feelings cross to the dark side. I’m so grateful
when I catch myself before I say or do something I regret.
Two devotional passages from Starting Your Day Right by Joyce Meyer
help me swing back to the light almost every time. I’ve placed them
side by side in a scrapbook so I can always read them together, in a
quiet place with no distractions.
The first:
“Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever
ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under
all circumstances, and it endures everything.” — 1 Corinthians 13:7
Joyce’s commentary:
“If your feelings get hurt because someone looked at you crossways or
because friends or family forgot your birthday, you need to spend
more time with God. He will fill you with so much love and such a
sense of self-worth that you won’t feel ill-tempered or touchy toward
anyone….”
The second:
“For let him who wants to enjoy life and see good days keep his
tongue free from evil and his lips from guile.” — 1 Peter 3:10
Joyce’s commentary:
“Have you ever regretted something you said as soon as the words
were out of your mouth? You can’t take back the words you speak to
others – and words can damage relationships. The Bible says that if
you can control your mouth, you can control your whole body (see
James 3:2)….Commit your mouth to God’s service today, and use
words that speak healing to others.”
Something about these words bring me an immediate sense of healing
and peace.
And wouldn’t the “If you can control your mouth…” phrase make a great t-shirt?
In the end, I know that relationships go through phases. I’ll say this is
not the happiest phase, but it’s also not the worst. Time will rush
forward, something will evolve or change, and then new phases will be
born.
Though I look forward to the change, I’ll be working on being content
with where things are right now.
Where do you turn when stepfamily dynamics have you in a mood?
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: Christian Parenting, Stepparenting
I went horseback riding this weekend, catching what is possibly the last
of the blazing gold aspen on our Northern Colorado ridges before the
trees turn and the snow starts to fall. On the ride, I enjoyed the
company of several teenagers, all of whom fell into a respectful silence
as we journeyed across meadows and through the woods.
A respectful silence? Does that sound like a group of teenagers?
Riding with me were a Brazilian, a German, and a Thai high school
student. They’ve come to the U.S. to study for a year
and experience American life.
They take a lot of pictures. Balancing on horseback while
trying to snap scenic photos takes a lot of concentration.
I enjoy some very interesting part-time work besides my writing. I
help American families and international teenagers get to know each
other, sometimes for a year, and sometimes for a lifetime. On our
non-profit program, an international teen lives with an American family
and attends an American high school for a semester or a full school
year.
Managing my local piece of this program is one step I can take to help
the world become a smaller place. I’m discovering that
international teens are not so different from American teens.
Sure, they may have different accents, skin colors, holidays, and
traditions. But in the real, day-to-day living, they share the same
concerns as our children. When we gather for meetings I hear how it
bothers them to eat lunch alone (which is very common for the first
month). They worry about making and keeping friends. They need
social connections to be comfortable. Most of them want to be part of
a club, activity, or cause.
Here is very common feedback I hear from the international students
year after year:
“The kids at my school are friendly to me on the surface. It’s a big
smile and a hi, how are you. But after that, they already have their
circles of friends, and they don’t usually make an effort to include me.
So I have to work really hard at making friends. I thought I would
have more friends more quickly.”
Some students are fortunate to have a high-school-aged brother or
sister who mentors them through the start of the school year and
helps them get connected with interesting people.
What I have to hope for is that other American teens will become less
self-centered and show more global curiosity. Then they might take
the time to learn that Eduardo has a great sense of humor. They
could witness Sophia’s athletic ability and invite her to play a sport.
Or someone might notice that Pantana can pick up any one of four
instruments and play it masterfully.
I guess one of the fundamental differences about these international
students is inquisitiveness. They want to know so much, not only
about American culture, but about the cultures of their fellow
international students. For example, through their questioning this
weekend, I learned that the Thai as a culture don’t celebrate
Christmas.
The international teens I work with are bright models of the global
spirit we need to have a more peaceful world.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: Cultural Differences, Teens