One piece of parenting advice that has stuck with me through the
years is the phrase “wait thirty days.” I don’t remember the source,
but I’ll explain why it had to be someone very wise.
Does your young lady rush in the door after school, proclaiming her
need for the latest music, book, toy, fashion, etc? If you can bargain
or mandate that she has to wait thirty days, the rush of the fad might
be over by then.
Think of the aftermath of a birthday or Christmas, when certain items
might be played with or used for a very short time (could it be about a
month?) and then are pushed to the side for the next new thing. The
“wait thirty days” adage can prevent adding unnecessarily to this slush
pile.
I developed a standard response to my younger daughter’s requests:
“OK, let’s put it on the list.” We keep a running list of things she’s
thinks she’s crazy for, and she can earn points toward getting some of
those items. When the points come due, she looks at the list and
picks what still seems appealing. Amy knows now that we won’t
march out and immediately buy her the item.
At holiday time the list comeback could be expanded to “Let’s put it on
your Christmas/Chanukah/birthday/Easter list.”
Depending on the age, growth phase, and personality of your child,
the requests could happen infrequently or almost daily. They can
range from very small to very big.
Here’s an example of big: Our oldest daughter started asking for a
horse when she was about nine. Of course we had some inhibitors to
buying within thirty days, including money and her ability to care for
the horse. But the requests didn’t cease. We actually waited a few
years and then, noting her enduring passion, jumped on a great
opportunity to buy an older horse at a decent price. After Casper
came Penny. After Brittany moved out on her own, her love of horses
persisted, and now she owns two younger horses she’s training.
A partner concept that goes hand in hand with “wait thirty days” is
“don’t buy too far ahead.” Kids’ tastes can change so rapidly that
buying too far in advance can catch up with you later on. Amy started
watching reruns of the old TV show Full House, and became infatuated
with later episodes of the show. After waiting at least thirty days (it
was more like six months) I finally bought her a DVD of Season Five
and gave it to her on the last day of school before summer vacation.
(She was thrilled). I also bought Season Six to give her for Christmas,
all the while patting myself on the back for shopping ahead. But lately
I’ve heard her say that she really wants Season Two, the earlier years.
P.S. She’s not even watching Full House that much anymore.
The bottom line? Kids go through so many phases that you shouldn’t
wait thirty days to try this advice. : )
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: comebacks, Elementary School, materialism, Parenting advice, Teens, Tweens
Last week (Thanksgiving) we talked about showing gratitude all year
long. One of the ways I do this is to randomly drop someone a thank-
you note or card even when there wasn’t a gift given.
Then there are the occasions when gifts have been given. You know
that feeling – you or your daughter or both are staring at a long list of
who gave what to whom for some special occasion. Will you let those
gifts go unacknowledged?
I’d like to encourage a thank-you note culture. A personal note
brightens almost anyone’s day. Saying thank you also forces us to
slow down and take a detour from the information onslaught we battle
every day. They took time to find the gift. We can take time to thank them.
A few days ago, my daughter (who just celebrated a birthday and now
faces THE LIST) came home from school and said, “Lissa’s family
doesn’t write thank-you notes. They never have.”
“Wow,” I replied, genuinely surprised at how different two families can
be – I’ve been writing thank-you notes since I was five.
“I think people really appreciate a nice thank-you note,” I offered.
“What do you think?”
“Yeah, I guess,” said Amy. She sounded a bit resigned but gave no
argument. “Let’s get to it.”
The best way to tackle thank-you notes is one at a time. Try these
few tricks to make the task more fun. First of all, make or buy cool
note cards. You’ll be more inspired to write if you like the look and
feel of the paper.
Next, prioritize which notes you’ll write first (but then you have to
write them, OK?) Will you start with:
- the givers who sent items by mail (i.e. you didn’t even thank them in
person?) - the gift that inspired you most?
- the giver to whom you feel the closest?
- the gifts you received first?
What do you say in a thank-you note? I feel the main guideline is to
be sincere. I’ll leave you with one basic framework I’ve used. This
one is easy to teach to kids. Older children and adults usually
embellish depending on the recipient of the note.
Dear Auntie Who,
1. Thank you so much for the (item, service, act of kindness, etc.).
2. I like (the item) because…
OR
Tell what you did with the item
OR
I bought a so & so with the money/gift card
OR
This item came at an important time for me because…
3. Thanks again for your thoughtfulness.
Love,
Your darling niece
Your turn: If you have any thank-you writing tips, or substitute
gratitude traditions, I’m all ears!
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: appreciation, children, gratitude, thank you notes, traditions
I’ve gotten some thought-provoking inquiries on my Stepparenting the
Grieving Child website. Today I’m sharing a question about whether
grief counseling is necessary for stepfamily members who lost a
spouse or a parent.
Here is the actual question:
“Is it necessary for grief counseling for the biological parent and the
children that [have lost] to help them not take out their grief on the
newlywed stepparent?”
My blog-post-length answer only scratches the surface of this complex
topic. I believe that in order to process grief in a healthy way, as
opposed to stuffing it or lashing out when we least expect it, we do
need to seek help with our grieving. In my opinion, help can come in
the form of counseling OR conscientious self-study.
First we have to give ourselves permission to grieve. Men, especially,
must buck gender stereotypes to allow themselves to process grief.
This permission-giving can be part of a counseling program. Or the
counseling can start once someone has decided to recognize grief.
If you or a loved one chooses the self-study route, you’ll find many
grief-related books to explore. If you want to locate a grief-support
organization near you, contact your local hospice provider or check out
the list of organizations at the National Center for Grieving Children
and Families, operated through the Dougy Center in Portland, Oregon.
So what happens in a stepfamily when loved ones who have lost don’t
want to seek help of any form? Realistically, a bit of heartbreak, and
often a turn to prayer. The objective family member (a person who
didn’t suffer the loss; usually the stepparent) can usually see the need,
but the decision is out of her hands. If a family member older than
about seventeen is opposed to seeking help for their grieving, then
any help given is forced and will likely not do its job.
A willing spirit, or at least the core knowledge of “I NEED SOME HELP,”
must preface the counseling to enable the discussions to take root.
The same thing goes for self study.
At the same time, you don’t want to say, “YOU have a problem.”
Your willingness to partner can help.
You could strongly encourage your spouse to look into a book, a class, or counseling.
It’s possible that he (or she) would “do it for you” initially and then some
truth may strike him, which could encourage him to further
understand his grief. If the children’s parent models this behavior, his
children might follow. You could offer to participate, showing your support.
Whether or not your stepchildren attend grief counseling is a decision
their parent needs to make. If the parent is not creating a healthy
grieving climate, it can result in heartache for you. A hopeful note:
time and any combination of events could lead to some enlightenment
on the part of the parent.
Thank you, dear reader, for this insightful question.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: counseling, Grief, grief support, self help, stepfamilies
You’re inspired to take your daughter to a movie or show that’s a little
more adult than Little Mermaid, or someone else invites her to such an
event. Can you decide ahead of time if it’s appropriate? If not, what
happens if you get into the event and parts of it are not OK for her age
or maturity level?
Here in Colorado we get pretty excited when a Broadway show rolls
into town. Last summer, when my friend and I learned that Movin’
Out was hitting our small city in November, we made immediate plans
to buy tickets on the first day they were sold.
She would bring her husband, and I would bring my mother. (I
confess, my husband and I had already seen this show once on
Broadway, and he is not into the repeat viewings like I am.)
Months later, performance day arrived. My mother and I were settled
in our seats, browsing our programs as the clock ticked away toward
start time. The two seats next to us were still vacant. I knew my
friends couldn’t have forgotten, so where could they be? Ah, here they
come, my friend and…her eleven-year-old daughter?
They couldn’t find a babysitter for their kids, so, after much discussion,
hubby stayed home and oldest daughter came.
“Wow,” I said, leaning over to the young lady. “You’re in for a treat.”
There was nothing in the first half of the show that she wouldn’t
understand. But as the house lights went down again after
intermission, memories of scenes from the second act flooded my
consciousness. The main character, Eddie, has returned home from
the senseless Vietnam war, unappreciated and grieving the loss of his
close friend James in the sniper fire. Eddie is angry and spirals down
into a vortex of immoral sexual acts combined with drug and alcohol
use to cope with the remains of his life.
We’ve all done it – taken risks with our daughters on what may or may
not be appropriate. So the question is, how did it turn out? I asked
my friend to share with me how her daughter reacted during the show
and what she was curious about during the show.
First of all, my friend said her daughter has a pretty good idea of what
makes her uncomfortable. When mom offered daughter a shoulder to
hide in, daughter was more than happy to comply for some scenes.
Hey, there’s an angle I often forget…our girls don’t have to watch it all!
Though we don’t want to overexpose them to content that will confuse
or scare them, we can teach them to recognize when they feel
uncomfortable. Signs can include noticeable physical reactions such as
racing heart, pounding temples, or heightened nervous tension.
The main content of their post-show discussion was characteristics of
the Vietnam War. My friend explained to her girl how our country was
torn apart politically and socially after the war, how the kids that
served in the jungles were so young, and how little respect the
Vietnam vets received when they returned back home.
My friend also wisely broached how people sometimes mask their
strong emotions with drugs and alcohol so that they don’t have to deal
with their feelings. In my opinion, these topics are all quite excellent
talking points with an eleven-year-old girl heading off to middle school
next year.
So, was the show a risk? Well, yes, a calculated one. Did it yield a
positive outcome? I feel it was very positive. I think we often forget
that as parents we can still help protect our girls in the midst of
something a bit over their heads. We can also help turn a risky
situation into something productive and educational.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: age appropriateness, Communication, honesty, maturity level, Movies, Shows, talking points, Television, Tweens
It’s Thanksgiving Day in the good ol’ U.S. of A! Messages
with cartoon turkeys and horns of plenty are crossing my computer
screen. The stores display sections of brown, orange, and zucchini
green criss-crossing the reds and greens of Christmas (can’t we do one
holiday at a time? But, I digress….)
The question that was asked of most school-aged children this week
was, “What are you thankful for?” My third-grade daughter made
a yellow and green Thanksgiving popper that looks like corn in
the husk. It’s filled with strips of paper that list her thankfuls, and I
can’t wait to hear her perspective tonight at dinner.
The question that I ask is, “How can we cultivate a spirit of
thankfulness all year long?” And, of course, how can we model this for
our children? Though Thanksgiving Day celebrates a very specific time
of helpfulness and cooperation in American history, there’s no good
reason that our thanksgiving has to occur on just one day.
For example, as expressed in Psalm 95 in the Bible, thanksgiving to
the Lord is not a one-day event, but instead a constant desired state
of being:
Come, let us sing for joy to the Lord,
let us shout aloud to the Rock or our salvation.
Let us come before him with thanksgiving
and extol him with music and song.
Here are a few ways I’ve practiced more regular thanksgiving, and a
new idea I haven’t yet tried.
1. Engage in daily prayers or meditations: My third grader and I say
nightly prayers that always begin with a few specific things we’re
thankful for. I know others who would describe this as putting out
gratitude to the universe.
2. Write a note/notes of thanks once per week. I go through periods
when I take time to reflect upon anyone who has shown me a special
kindness or anyone whom I simply appreciate in my life. Then I pen
them notes or send them cards (and in more modern life, sometimes
e-mails). For example, I really enjoyed certain times this past
summer with a handful of other moms and their daughters. At the end
of the summer, I told them so in an e-mail note.
3. Here’s an idea I haven’t yet tried: 60 X 60 gratitude. This idea is a
subset of the 60 X 60 experiment that pastor John Burke poses at
http://www.soulrevolution.net:
“For the next 60 days, try to stay in a continuous, honest
conversation with God, willing to do his will moment by moment.
Set a watch or alarm to beep every 60 minutes, and put up sticky
notes & reminders around your home, car & office, as a reminder to
stay connected.”
What if we became consciously thankful for something in the world, in
our country, in our schools, in our lives every 60 minutes for 60 days?
I think that might set a habit of thankfulness, one which we might feel
compelled to continue.
Your turn: What ideas do you have that can help teach our children to
be thankful all year long?
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: gratitude, holidays, Social/Cultural
Usually I post to this blog first thing in the morning, but I mistakenly
thought I could host my daughter’s birthday sleepover and still write
my blog. I’ll remember to pre-announce a change to the blog
schedule when I’m hosting an overnight event in the future!
Now I’m shifting gears and getting ready to host Thanksgiving dinner
at our house. As we all know, Thanksgiving runs right into other
holidays families celebrate in December. Holidays offer the time and
opportunity to strengthen relationships, yet also involve a built-in
stress level that is heightened by changing family dynamics as school
gets out and relatives (not always your own) come and go.
Over the next several weeks I’ll blog even more about the importance
of weaving together various family traditions in a stepfamily. Today I
want to focus on encouraging you, the stepparent in the family, to
hold on to one aspect or tradition of the upcoming holidays that is
important to you, no matter how small. This could be anything from a
certain dish you contribute to the meal, to a traditional blessing you
offer for the table, to a post-meal walk with a special family member.
Why do I feel this is important? It’s part of developing what I, in my
book Stepparenting the Grieving Child, call “the you that shines
through.” It’s too easy, in the bustle of the holidays, or in the
company of people with whom you may not have an established
relationship, to lose track of your sense of self. You will likely be more
relaxed, joyful, and generous if you give yourself the gift of one
tradition that’s important to you, each and every holiday. Of course,
this needs to be in balance with recognition of honored traditions for
other family members. I’ll blog more about that in weeks to come.
My special tradition for Thanksgiving is making my father’s turkey
stuffing recipe. While my father passed away more than fifteen years
ago, all over the country members of our extended family continue to
make his Thanksgiving stuffing. Not only is it tasty, (as many
stuffings are), but it also brings him to the meal.
Your turn: How do you stay connected with what’s important to you
during the holidays?
Happy Thanksgiving to you all. Due to the holiday, I’ll be re-posting
“Thankfulness All Year Long” tomorrow.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: holidays, Identity, stepfamilies, traditions
It’s almost Thanksgiving Day again in the good ol’ U.S. of A. Messages
with cartoon turkeys and horns of plenty are crossing my computer
screen. The stores display sections of brown, orange, and zucchini
green criss-crossing the reds and greens of Christmas (can’t we do one
holiday at a time? But, I digress….)
The question that will be asked of most school-aged children this week
is, “What are you thankful for?” My third-grade daughter has already
made a yellow and green Thanksgiving popper that looks like corn in
the husk. It’s filled with strips of paper that list her thankfuls, and I
can’t wait to hear her perspective.
The question that I ask is, “How can we cultivate a spirit of
thankfulness all year long?” And, of course, how can we model this for
our children? Though Thanksgiving Day celebrates a very specific time
of helpfulness and cooperation in American history, there’s no good
reason that our thanksgiving has to occur on just one day.
For example, as expressed in Psalm 95 in the Bible, thanksgiving to
the Lord is not a one-day event, but instead a constant desired state
of being:
Come, let us sing for joy to the Lord,
let us shout aloud to the Rock or our salvation.
Let us come before him with thanksgiving
and extol him with music and song.
Here are a few ways I’ve practiced more regular thanksgiving, and a
new idea I haven’t yet tried.
1. Engage in daily prayers or meditations: My third grader and I say
nightly prayers that always begin with a few specific things we’re
thankful for. I know others who would describe this as putting out
gratitude to the universe.
2. Write a note/notes of thanks once per week. I go through periods
when I take time to reflect upon anyone who has shown me a special
kindness or anyone whom I simply appreciate in my life. Then I pen
them notes or send them cards (and in more modern life, sometimes
e-mails). For example, I really enjoyed certain times this past
summer with a handful of other moms and their daughters. At the end
of the summer, I told them so in an e-mail note.
3. Here’s an idea I haven’t yet tried: 60 X 60 gratitude. This idea is a
subset of the 60 X 60 experiment that pastor John Burke poses at
http://www.soulrevolution.net:
“For the next 60 days, try to stay in a continuous, honest
conversation with God, willing to do his will moment by moment.
Set a watch or alarm to beep every 60 minutes, and put up sticky
notes & reminders around your home, car & office, as a reminder to
stay connected.”
What if we became consciously thankful for something in the world, in
our country, in our schools, in our lives every 60 minutes for 60 days?
I think that might set a habit of thankfulness, one which we might feel
compelled to continue.
Your turn: What ideas do you have that can help teach our children to
be thankful all year long?
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: gratitude, parenting, Parenting Resources, Social/Cultural, teaching our children, Thankfulness
Does anyone else remember that cute little dinosaur from the TV
show “Dinosaurs” who would quip quotable quotes from his high chair?
He would occasionally whack his dad, Earl, over the head with a frying
pan and shriek, “NOT da mama!”
When baby wanted mom (Fran), he made no bones about it.
If you’re a stepmother trying to fit in with a new family, you might be
smarting from the bruise of a figurative frying pan. In one way, it
would be better if your stepkids were as clear as baby dino, though
admittedly that would hurt. Instead of a whack on the head, however,
you may get furtive whispers just loud enough for you to hear,
sideways glances, lack of cooperation, or any one of a list of more
subtle frying pans.
May I share what I’ve learned? What the kids are trying to get across
(though sometimes not tactfully done) is actually right. You are not
the mama. It doesn’t matter if their mom lives around the corner,
across the country, in heaven, or in jail – you are still not the mama.
Though more than one fine woman can play the role of mom as
needed by the family, think of the kids’ perspective. For them, the
woman who bore them – their blood – will be THE woman they crave
in that role. No bones about it.
“But wait,” you say. “Why is she laying this on me so heavy?”
Because I want to help you. Because this seed of knowledge could
change your stepparenting life. I wish I’d figured this out sooner. It
might have changed my relationships with my stepdaughter and
stepson. I spent a very long time thinking I could eventually be
another mother to them, and I think my expectations just resulted in
disappointment for me and confusion for them.
The good news is that, as usual, we are doing more right than we
know. Even with my misunderstanding of my role, I remember that
the kids and I would watch “Dinosaurs” together, and occasionally Ian
(smiling) would pretend to whack me on the head and squeal, “Not da
mama.” We all had some good laughs over that.
The role you’ll play in your stepfamily will be something fresh and
new; something that’s yours to own. Don’t spin your wheels trying to
be the thing you cannot be – think of that as wearing a clothing style
that just doesn’t suit you. Create your own style in the new family,
and expose your stepchildren to it tiny bit by bit. Then they have the
chance to know who you really are.
And, guess what? You do too.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: bio mom, Dinosaurs, expectations, Identity, stepfamilies, stepmom
The Internet makes it possible for us to reach friends and contacts all
over the world. That’s why it’s become such a popular forum for
people building electronic networks and communities.
Just as we meet certain social needs to by hanging out with like-
minded people, this “connection” can also be partially accomplished
over the Internet. Community and connection are essential for the
human heart. A blog like this one can bring people with similar
interests and concerns together to slog through issues or dialogue
about questions they have.
When I described this blog as “Conversations About Raising Girls,” I
hoped to form an electronic community of parents mulling over issues
girls face today. I know I need the perspective of others to break
through the occasional quandaries I face with my daughter and
stepchildren. I’m also sure that the kids each benefit from having a
wide circle of people resources in their lives. The value of community
lies within the word “others.”
Though I and my guest bloggers have some good ideas, think of them
as conversation starters. Do you agree or disagree with my points?
More importantly, I’d love for you add to our community discussions
by giving examples from your own experiences.
Don’t be afraid to contribute here. Spiritual growth is
relational, and I really want to hear from you.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: Blogging, Community, Social Networking, Social/Cultural, Spiritual Growth
How to Post a Comment on this Blog
As I mentioned last Thursday, one of the values of this blog is to
create community around the topic of raising girls. However,
electronic communities are fairly new, and the technical aspects of
commenting on blogs can prevent readers from wanting to join up and
comment.
Several readers have requested I walk through the technical process
of posting a comment. If you read a blog entry and have something to
share with me and the other readers, posting a comment is the way to
do that. The process to get started is, admittedly, a bit tedious, but
ten minutes now sets you up to comment on any Word Press blog
whenever you’d like.
At the end of any post (also known as an entry), you’ll find a link
labeled either “No comments yet, be the first” or “Comments — join
up.” Clicking this link leads you to one of two scenarios:
1. If you had already registered in the past, a page will display
requesting that you log in. Type in the user name and password you
chose for your Word Press log in. IMPORTANT! If you forgot your
information to the point where you can’t get it e-mailed to you, send
me an e-mail at info@dianefromme.com and I can reset your
information for you.
2. If you are not registered, you get a page saying you must be logged
in to post a comment. Click on the link “logged in,” which takes you to
the Word Press login page. But wait! You don’t have a password set
yet! So you need to click the word “Register” in grey below the
username and password boxes. Now you’ll see a yellow box that says
“Register For This Site.” You need to choose a user name you’ll
remember. Type that in, enter your email, then click the blue Register
box underneath. A password will be mailed to you at the e-mail you
specified. Go get the password and you are ready to log in and
comment on my blog or any Word Press blog.
Slight shortcut: If you know you haven’t registered as a user on Mama
J’s Parenting Posts, you can go right to the middle column on any page
with a post, under the calendar, under the heading “Meta,” and then
click “Register.” This will also bring you to the “Register For This Site”
login page.
The bottom line is that once you have a Word Press user name and
password you remember, then you can easily leave a comment. Just
type your thoughts into the box under “Leave a comment,” and click
“Submit.”
If that part is not easy, please send me an e-mail at
info@dianefromme.com.
Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado. For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.
Tags: Blogging, Community, posting, submitting a comment, Word Press