Going Home

Dorothy said it best during her time travel from Oz:  “There’s no place
like home.” 

A recent vacation to New York City, where I grew up, was such a
relaxing and rejuvenating experience that it sparked me to think about
the significance of home.  Home may be where you actually grew up. 
Or, it may be another place or even a group of people you strongly
identify with. 

As I write my book about stepparenting grieving children, I wonder,
“What is home to a child who’s lost her parent or parents?”

I’m also reminded of a colleague, Rebecah Propst, who lost her
memories of everything that made up her life prior to age 47.  What is
home to her? 

On my trip to NYC, I saw many people and places that are part of my
roots.  I didn’t expect that these connections would help me feel more
grounded, more secure, and more loved the way that they did.  After
all, when I was growing up, I didn’t appreciate my home this way. 
Like most of us as young adults, I couldn’t wait to move away from
home and have bold, new adventures all my own.

How then do we and can we create a sense of home for our children
and stepchildren? 

Some highlights emerge from my recent experience:

• Keep in touch with your extended family, assuming they are
  anywhere in the realm of healthy.  Create opportunities for your
  children to get a glimpse of their lives and to listen to some of
  their stories.  We’ve always told my daughter Amy about the
  uncle who, in his finest Brooklyn accent, calls bad drivers
  “bananas” or “pineapples.”  She met him in person this summer.
• Take your kids to where you grew up.  Tell them about some
  significant milestones in your life (age-appropriate please) and
  then back up your stories with visual cues.  “Here’s where I
  swam for the Flushing YMCA.”  “Here’s my old elementary school
  – how do you think it compares to yours?”  “Let’s eat ice cream
  at the old Carvel shop.” “I had my first kiss in this park.” If the
  kids don’t act interested now, they just might remember these
  nuggets later on.
• Encourage the relationships your kids have with any positive
  individual or community of people – any of these could later
  represent “home.”
• Give it time. We process home differently through every age and
  stage of our lives.

And a few special tips for stepfamilies:

• Be sensitive to both emotional and material treasures that might
  represent home to your stepkids – for example, a special
  anniversary date, or a hand-sewn blanket.  My stepchildren’s
  mother passed away from breast cancer. Over the years I’ve
  realized how important it is to allow them any connection to that
  part of their home. 
• Honor the first family while building your stepfamily.  When my
  stepkids were young, we made sure to visit their mom’s home
  town, where they could kick around with relatives from that side
  of the family.  We did also make a pilgrimage to New York City
  and introduced them to a few of my special people and places. 

Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado.  For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.

Tags: Identity, Relationships, Stepparenting