Funky Phases

Your Turn:  Where do you turn when stepfamily dynamics have you in
a mood?

 “…this angst brings me to what I call my ‘swing point:’ the point at
which my thoughts and feelings cross to the dark side.” 

As much as I try to stay positive, every once in a while I go into a bit
of a funk about relationship dynamics in my stepfamily. 

When I’m at this point, I tend to obsess over something a stepchild or
a relative is doing, such as speaking poorly of me without taking the
time to get to know me.  Or, I might be stressing over something they
are “not doing,” such as not returning my calls or e-mails. 

But underlying any of these fixations is my longstanding heartbreak
over not having a better relationship with my young-adult stepchildren
than I do. Sixteen years together and I don’t feel like I can call them
in love, discuss my feelings, and get a productive result. 

I know I’m supposed to get all the cards out on the table.  I know I’m
supposed to be the big girl, and make the first move.  But for some
reason, I’m blocked up right now.  I have to honor that and coach
myself to reach out yet again.

I firmly believe that it takes two to make relationships work. I look for
signs of their wanting a relationship.  If there are none, I find it really,
really challenging to push. (But in the past have been accused of
“abandoning” because I didn’t push.)

All of this angst brings me to what I call my “swing point:” the point at
which my thoughts and feelings cross to the dark side. I’m so grateful
when I catch myself before I say or do something I regret. 

Two devotional passages from Starting Your Day Right by Joyce Meyer
help me swing back to the light almost every time.  I’ve placed them
side by side in a scrapbook so I can always read them together, in a
quiet place with no distractions.

The first:
“Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever
ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under
all circumstances, and it endures everything.”  — 1 Corinthians 13:7

Joyce’s commentary: 
“If your feelings get hurt because someone looked at you crossways or
because friends or family forgot your birthday, you need to spend
more time with God.  He will fill you with so much love and such a
sense of self-worth that you won’t feel ill-tempered or touchy toward
anyone….”

The second:
“For let him who wants to enjoy life and see good days keep his
tongue free from evil and his lips from guile.”  — 1 Peter 3:10

Joyce’s commentary:
“Have you ever regretted something you said as soon as the words
were out of your mouth?  You can’t take back the words you speak to
others – and words can damage relationships.  The Bible says that if
you can control your mouth, you can control your whole body (see
James 3:2)….Commit your mouth to God’s service today, and use
words that speak healing to others.”

Something about these words bring me an immediate sense of healing
and peace. 

And wouldn’t the “If you can control your mouth…” phrase make a great t-shirt?

In the end, I know that relationships go through phases.  I’ll say this is
not the happiest phase, but it’s also not the worst.  Time will rush
forward, something will evolve or change, and then new phases will be
born.

Though I look forward to the change, I’ll be working on being content
with where things are right now.

Where do you turn when stepfamily dynamics have you in a mood?

Mama J (Diane Fromme) is a writer, parent, and stepparent located in
Northern Colorado.  For more information on her stepparenting book,
go to www.dianefromme.com.

Tags: Christian Parenting, Stepparenting